I GOT MY IB BALL DRESS TODAY!!!
It was very fun and I enjoyed it. Today was a good day for me. YAY!!!!!!
I made money and I got a dress......... how can it get any better? well.... actually it can.
Lately I've been doing better in school which is good!
I'm proud of myself for bringing my grades up. I'm still struggling in AP US History but I'm getting there. Nothing interesting has happened.
WOW...... I'm totally not in the mood to blog which is weird.
I started to knit again which is a lot of fun. I'm almost done with my scarf. I just have to finish this white section.
Drama is alright. I still need to memorize a few more lines.
I'm starting to really love this song called LOVE STORY by Taylor Swift. I don't know why, but it is a fun song to sing to.
Summary of today in one line!
" This was just one of the those happy days where nothing goes wrong, but yet you are still worried if tomorrow is going to be one of those NOT happy days."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
AHH!!!! GOT STEPPED ON BY A MONSTER!
2009 didn't kick off with a good start....
making B,C,D's in my classes.... luckily I'm passing but.. I really don't want to say that.
I want to say luckily I have a 93 or something I feel proud to say.
But I don't have anything to be proud of.
I took this from another person's blog but it reflects how I feel and who I am.
Have you ever wondered what happened to the happiness you used to have, who took it away, where it went, what freak is keeping you chained to the wall, teasing you, dragging it's tongue over your eyes, grinding your face into the dirt over and over no matter how many times you try to stand up again and walk and find the life that somehow left you?
Have you ever wanted to be loved more than anything else on the face of the earth, but no one seems ready enough to love you, and if they are, you are so convinced that you are the most worthless, disgusting person in the world and can't believe them?
One of my top goals in life is to find happiness. Yet, getting all these horrible grades even if I try hard really makes me sad. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I want to hang out with friends but deep down I'm thinking I have to read an AP US chapter or study for Calculus. I've been giving up more and more each day. I stuff my face with food because it seems like that is the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that I can find pleasure in just that one moment. But that one moment isn't enough because later I feel guilty eating so much food. I feel like I'm on life support. Hanging on to each and everyday just to stay alive. Just to live a little bit more. Yet that willingness to live isn't enough. Suffering, getting shots, tubes down your throat. I want to live, but sometimes maybe dying would be more pleasurable.
I do feel like the most worthless, disgusting person in the world. Sorry I have no self confidence. Come on..... If you had my grades you wouldn't either. I sometimes have this feeling when I get that AP US test back that people don't need to see the most worthless, disgusting person. Their life might be more enjoyable. I really don't love myself. What have I become? What have I become?
So today, as I cry driving to the chiropractor, thinking how stupid I am and telling myself all these bad things. I still have the will to live. I really don't know how much will I have but I sure have some. Ok, I sometimes do want to die, but that is just stupid of me to kill myself. I guess this is the real me, yet I don't want it to be. I want to be confident, smart, bold, strong, yet...... I'm not. That's reality. Yet, I stay away from it. I hide , I run away, from the evil monster of reality. But it keeps on chasing after me trying to eat me, stopping on all my dreams, on all my goals, and mostly myself.
reality = GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
making B,C,D's in my classes.... luckily I'm passing but.. I really don't want to say that.
I want to say luckily I have a 93 or something I feel proud to say.
But I don't have anything to be proud of.
I took this from another person's blog but it reflects how I feel and who I am.
Have you ever wondered what happened to the happiness you used to have, who took it away, where it went, what freak is keeping you chained to the wall, teasing you, dragging it's tongue over your eyes, grinding your face into the dirt over and over no matter how many times you try to stand up again and walk and find the life that somehow left you?
Have you ever wanted to be loved more than anything else on the face of the earth, but no one seems ready enough to love you, and if they are, you are so convinced that you are the most worthless, disgusting person in the world and can't believe them?
One of my top goals in life is to find happiness. Yet, getting all these horrible grades even if I try hard really makes me sad. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I want to hang out with friends but deep down I'm thinking I have to read an AP US chapter or study for Calculus. I've been giving up more and more each day. I stuff my face with food because it seems like that is the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that I can find pleasure in just that one moment. But that one moment isn't enough because later I feel guilty eating so much food. I feel like I'm on life support. Hanging on to each and everyday just to stay alive. Just to live a little bit more. Yet that willingness to live isn't enough. Suffering, getting shots, tubes down your throat. I want to live, but sometimes maybe dying would be more pleasurable.
I do feel like the most worthless, disgusting person in the world. Sorry I have no self confidence. Come on..... If you had my grades you wouldn't either. I sometimes have this feeling when I get that AP US test back that people don't need to see the most worthless, disgusting person. Their life might be more enjoyable. I really don't love myself. What have I become? What have I become?
So today, as I cry driving to the chiropractor, thinking how stupid I am and telling myself all these bad things. I still have the will to live. I really don't know how much will I have but I sure have some. Ok, I sometimes do want to die, but that is just stupid of me to kill myself. I guess this is the real me, yet I don't want it to be. I want to be confident, smart, bold, strong, yet...... I'm not. That's reality. Yet, I stay away from it. I hide , I run away, from the evil monster of reality. But it keeps on chasing after me trying to eat me, stopping on all my dreams, on all my goals, and mostly myself.
reality = GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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