My favorite thing to do at night......... is look at the stars. Sounds so....idk how to describe it, but it is. My dream house is going to have a glass ceiling so I can just see the stars. I'm awake driving home at 12 am thinking to myself WOW the stars are GORGEOUS tonight. I stand outside for awhile just looking at them. Looking for Orion's belt, the bigger dipper, the little dipper, and other constellations I know.
This year, 2008, has been like a nagreboshi this year. What is a nagareboshil? It is shooting star in Japanese. It has gone by super fast. Seems all like a blur. Yet full of wishes. I've been wishing a lot this year. One of my good friends asked me what my New Years resolutions were. I replied I really don't have one. She asked me why? and I replied I don't know. It ended right there. I wish for simple things yet those are small, but a new years resolution, I didn't know what to do. Yeah the usual do better in school, work harder, lose 20lbs, those kind of things but those are the same each year and this is A NEW YEARS resolution. I guess my new years resolution is to understand. This year especially has been a confusing year. Full of questions and not understanding any of our school work.
Like my old post, I'm always driving along on the road watching how everything is going by super fast. The stars, the trees, the houses, the other cars, and most of all myself. It doesn't seem like I'm moving yet the outside is moving like crazy. This feeling of speed isn't what I wanted in 2008. I feel more crushed for more time. I need to figure out who I am still. I need to figure out what I want to be. If I don't get this soon, how am I supposed to figure out a major. I've been emotionally weak this year. I thought I was getting a little stronger but yet I'm not. I haven't been crying but....... I feel more lost.
Take a step outside, look up, and look at the stars. They stay still. Just that one moment. It felt like time stopped. Just me and my wishes. I haven't seen a nagareboshi before but at that moment I felt like one. A shooting star flying through the night. No where to go, rarely seen, and yet shines.....
Happy (early) New Year and have a great 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
WHAT A DAY!!!!!!
Lucky me!!
Today I felt really lucky! A lot of trouble with my friend and bad things happening to her. I always feel like I can put some of her trouble on me to be a good friend. Yet, all I can seem to do is say I'm sorry, I hope you feel better, It is ok. What can I do?!?!
I was reading this passage for the SAT >.< and it was talking about how one girl says OMGAH I forgot to take my pills to show that she has a disease. She likes the attention, yet she gets it using subtle clues. The narrator also wanted that disease so she could get the attention also. I understood her feeling because I've always wanted that too. Yet, I usually want to take the pain away from my friend. When my friend got into a wreck and hurt her mom, I wish I could have been her, so she doesn't have to be in that pain. Yet, I wanted to be in some wreck so I can understand her feelings. So I can be a better friend..... I've always wanted really crazy boy problems, so I can understand my friend when she has trouble with her bf. I do sound selfish..... but I want to be a good friend, and I hate seeing people suffer. I've been really lucky......I have...... I really haven't suffered. I feel really fortunate. Listening to people's stories.... I feel really really really fortunate. Yet, deep down I want a challenge. The only challenge I seem to have is school work....ok...... maybe the challenge of loving myself first.
All the people out there reading my blog, I'm here for you! You can talk to me about anything... I might not give the best advice because I probably haven't gone through a lot of things you have, but I can try. I will try to give you the best advice I have. And of course, my parents aren't going to read this, but I'm lucky to still have them beside me all healthy and happy =D
I will blog soon about NEW YEARS!!!!!
Today I felt really lucky! A lot of trouble with my friend and bad things happening to her. I always feel like I can put some of her trouble on me to be a good friend. Yet, all I can seem to do is say I'm sorry, I hope you feel better, It is ok. What can I do?!?!
I was reading this passage for the SAT >.< and it was talking about how one girl says OMGAH I forgot to take my pills to show that she has a disease. She likes the attention, yet she gets it using subtle clues. The narrator also wanted that disease so she could get the attention also. I understood her feeling because I've always wanted that too. Yet, I usually want to take the pain away from my friend. When my friend got into a wreck and hurt her mom, I wish I could have been her, so she doesn't have to be in that pain. Yet, I wanted to be in some wreck so I can understand her feelings. So I can be a better friend..... I've always wanted really crazy boy problems, so I can understand my friend when she has trouble with her bf. I do sound selfish..... but I want to be a good friend, and I hate seeing people suffer. I've been really lucky......I have...... I really haven't suffered. I feel really fortunate. Listening to people's stories.... I feel really really really fortunate. Yet, deep down I want a challenge. The only challenge I seem to have is school work....ok...... maybe the challenge of loving myself first.
All the people out there reading my blog, I'm here for you! You can talk to me about anything... I might not give the best advice because I probably haven't gone through a lot of things you have, but I can try. I will try to give you the best advice I have. And of course, my parents aren't going to read this, but I'm lucky to still have them beside me all healthy and happy =D
I will blog soon about NEW YEARS!!!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas is coming soon!!!!
So I'm awake at 2 am with my SAT practice test book open......
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?
This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.
2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging
my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything
Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!
Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?
This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.
2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging
my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything
Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!
Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!
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