Christmas is coming soon!!!!

So I'm awake at 2 am with my SAT practice test book open......
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?

This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.

2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging

my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything

Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!

Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!