Senior Year!

I have to say that senior year is kind of sucky. I've been sick all week and I've practically lost my entire voice. It sucks. Not only that but I've been behind on EVERYTHING.

Well this year I'm a cheerleader but this sport is wearing me down. I cheered while I was sick and that is prob why I lost my voice >.< Anyways I was kind of upset when we didn't make it to states. We worked our butts off and yet we don't get to go. It was one of our best performances yet we dropped a stunt and we had a safety violation. Oh well, hopefully next year the cheerleaders will kick butt and qualify for states. It has been an amazing experience to compete. I'm proud to say I am a cheerleader.

I miss Gary with all my heart. I'm at home even though I really want to go to INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL. I've been feeling really lonely lately. Without being able to talk to my best friend online breaks my heart. Not being able to do a duo breaks my heart. I haven't been able to blog because he inspired me to blog. I still can't believe it.

Anyways senior year has been pretty shitty. All these college applications I haven't finished at all. *sigh* well maybe just maybe I will feel better and senior year will get better. I just have to keep thinking optimistically and keep a smile on my face!
Thanks for reading <3 Reina

17 years......

Tomorrow is my 17th birthday...... wow.......can't believe that I've lived for 17 years without any huge injuries or any case of depression. YAY!!!! I'm alive and pretty content. Yet always around my birthday there are those.......... AP SCORES >.< People have been getting those scores back and I'm sitting here so scared to see them. People might say oh well they are just scores, but I'm really scared. It feels like my future is right on those few sheets of paper. I failed therefore I'm not going to become what I want to be. I won't be able to help as many people as I want. Yet, I also want to go slam my head against a rock because I didn't study harder. Well enough of APs I'm just going to enjoy my 17th birthday!!!!!
so..... between the age 16 and 17 I think I've accomplished a few things.
-took the SAT!!!!! woot!!! didn't do well but I took it
-made new friends!!!!!!
-working at my dad's restaurant and has a small income
-managed a C in AP US and didn't get a D
-managed a A & Bs for the other classes (idk about bio since I didn't get my report card)
-reading a lot (catcher in the rye, animal farm, reread harry potter and the half blood prince, a buddhis book, a doll's house, farenheit 451, one day in the life of ivan..., and etc)
-a little more confident in myself with forensics but not too much...
-didn't lose any friends.... I don't think
-driving and no wrecks =)
-family is happy and safe
now.. things I want to accomplish during my 17th year!
-try to make over 2000 for SAT
-get into a good college without spending a lot of money
-get a scholarship
-do well on IBs and APs
-do well on SAT subject tests
-be confident academically
-lose 20 lbs
-make A's & B's
-no laziness and procrastination (at least put a limit on it)
-stay happy =)
well enjoy your july 4th holiday too!!!!!!!

First week of Summer

Today was my first week of summer!!!!!!
It was the worst first day of summer ever........ Friends are leaving and it feels like I'm stuck here by myself. The thing is I know I'm busy but I'm stuck here.....
I have a car but parents won't let me go out of the state =(
oh well.... anyways I'm going to try to make the best out of the 1st week of summer.
Maybe I can start some school work....... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YEAH RIGHT!!!
Anyways I really don't have much to say today. I just hope everyone has fun where they are and enjoy the summer of 2009 because this is the last summer before I graduate!!!!!

Just another day

*sigh* I'm kind of glad all this studying stuff is over for now. Chilling with all my friends makes me feel really happy. I am enjoying what I have and not thinking about what I don't have. I'm awake at 2 am writing a blog because I can't sleep......... WOW........ I CAN'T SLEEP AFTER STAYING UP HOURS AND HOURS?!
I don't understand myself sometimes. I get super nervous when I don't need to be and end up messing up and making a fool out of myself. My body does not function how I want it to like now. I woke up to a weird dream and my phone beeping because a few people left me a text message.
I'm just sitting here being bored and thinking about what to write about and drawing a blank.
Oh I know, I saw this documentary called full of life which is based on 4th graders in Japan. I was really moved by this for some reason. I don't know if it is the fact that the teacher does so much for these kids and gives them a set of LIFE goals to reach such as becoming happy and helping others become happy or the children in general. These kids help each other out in such a caring way. All of them are not full of BS and actually admit to spreading rumors when they shouldn't have. So.. I will admit to mine.
Yea like these kids I have spread some rumors which I know I shouldn't have. The rumor probably hurt the person and I'm sorry if it did. I understand how you feel. I've also been on the receiving end by being bullied when I was in elementary and part of middle school. I hated the Asian stereotype because I never fit in it minus my skin tone , eyes, and hair.
I probably have done worse things but I don't feel like typing them out. The teacher comforted the kids when they needed it and even talked about death to 4th graders. The surprising thing is they understand most of what I do and they are 8 years younger than I am. Even through their father's death or grandparents, they still went to school with a smile on their face knowing that they have friends there to support them and help them. They still had the energy to play with each other and laugh even through all the struggles. Even I can't do that.
Well, that is all for today/last night (whatever). So maybe just maybe I can laugh and enjoy life no matter what obstacles I run into. Good night guys

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!

I have been studying for my APs these past few days and I have learned something.
1. how to take the intergral on my calculator
2. that Ming is amazing
3. Kite Runner is good so far.... only on chapter 8
4. I still can't memorize AP US facts......
5. I love studying at Barnes and Nobles.
I probably have learned more but I enjoyed myself today hanging out with my boys. I went downtown with some people and had fun there too. I love getting to know more people. I guess people just fascinate me. Just hanging out with them just makes me understand myself better. I was truly happy there. That moment I felt like I was a person. It is weird..... but I don't know how to say it or explain this feeling. The feeling of being human, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of love, the feeling of friendship, the feeling of trust, the feeling of stress, the feeling of being Reina......
Just in that weekend.......
I haven't blogged in awhile, but I miss it. I worry that I will forget this year. But I sure won't forget this weekend because I think it was one of my happiest weekends....... to tell you the truth. I won't forget all the people I got closer to. Through all the stress and work, they were there to support me. And of course people were cheering me on to become a cheerleader!!!
SO BRING IT ON!!!! Bring all the AP exams, IB exams, all the obstacles I can overcome because I have everything I need right now!!!!
HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!

A GREAT WEEKEND

Sad to say, but this weekend was the last time I'm doing my oratory for this year. I miss it and I miss everyone who were in my rounds. They kept me going even though they still scared the crap out of me because they were just THAT amazing. I'm proud to get this far, but I think that other people deserved to make it too. Either way or the other, I believe that all forensicators are champions in my eyes. I'm very proud for all the people who made it to Nationals and everyone who found a piece/wrote one and put all their effort into it.

This weekend was amazing. I got to hang out with all my forensics people and I truly did enjoy myself this year. I got to meet new people and feel the experience of being SUPER SUPER nervous. I guess forensics ended well for my junior year and I got my 1st trophy since my sophomore year.

Well, maybe just maybe I can go to nationals next year. <3

Ni Hao Kai Lan!

I love babysitting little kids for 2 reasons
1. I just love them
2. I get to watch all the amazing little kid shows

Today I was watching Ni Hao Kai Lan with a girl that is 4 years old. Of course she wasn't really paying attention to the message and just watching it. I really loved the message it gave me though. I guess I can still be a little kid at heart, and watch it with excitement, but it was different when you are older. The message was everyone has something special. Kai Lan told me I did, but I didn't know what it was.

This brought up an OO I saw at the Southside Tournament. It was about someone being special and everyone is special. I really didn't pay attention to the message at the time, but when I thought about it I guess being yourself is what makes you special. No one ever told me I was special as I was growing up. No one told me I was smart or dumb. It felt like I was just like everyone else minus the big eyes and the not black hair. When I was young, I didn't understand why I was a girl with small eyes and black hair. Either way I was still different from everyone else and I guess I didn't like it when I was little because people made fun of me.

Now that is over, I still kind of feel like an outcast from my school. I'm not that "book smart" compared to everyone else, and I don't feel like I'm gifted anymore. Being gifted is a normal thing at my school with all the IB kids. I don't fit in. I don't belong...... but Kai Lan gave me a little hope. She made me smile at the end when she said that I was special because I made her heart feel super happy. Ok...... it may seem dumb to gain hope from a little kid show, but she did do a good job.

So I left getting something from watching Ni Hao Kai Lan. I may not belong, but I try to make everyone's heart feel a little bit happier. I may not succeed, but I try because everyone else always try to make my heart feel super happy. Rintoo at least found his specialty which was running fast. Maybe just maybe I can find my specialty, but Rintoo will beat me at running no matter what I do because he is just that amazing.

WOOT!! NEW POST!!

I GOT MY IB BALL DRESS TODAY!!!
It was very fun and I enjoyed it. Today was a good day for me. YAY!!!!!!
I made money and I got a dress......... how can it get any better? well.... actually it can.
Lately I've been doing better in school which is good!
I'm proud of myself for bringing my grades up. I'm still struggling in AP US History but I'm getting there. Nothing interesting has happened.
WOW...... I'm totally not in the mood to blog which is weird.
I started to knit again which is a lot of fun. I'm almost done with my scarf. I just have to finish this white section.
Drama is alright. I still need to memorize a few more lines.
I'm starting to really love this song called LOVE STORY by Taylor Swift. I don't know why, but it is a fun song to sing to.
Summary of today in one line!
" This was just one of the those happy days where nothing goes wrong, but yet you are still worried if tomorrow is going to be one of those NOT happy days."

AHH!!!! GOT STEPPED ON BY A MONSTER!

2009 didn't kick off with a good start....
making B,C,D's in my classes.... luckily I'm passing but.. I really don't want to say that.
I want to say luckily I have a 93 or something I feel proud to say.
But I don't have anything to be proud of.
I took this from another person's blog but it reflects how I feel and who I am.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the happiness you used to have, who took it away, where it went, what freak is keeping you chained to the wall, teasing you, dragging it's tongue over your eyes, grinding your face into the dirt over and over no matter how many times you try to stand up again and walk and find the life that somehow left you?

Have you ever wanted to be loved more than anything else on the face of the earth, but no one seems ready enough to love you, and if they are, you are so convinced that you are the most worthless, disgusting person in the world and can't believe them?

One of my top goals in life is to find happiness. Yet, getting all these horrible grades even if I try hard really makes me sad. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I want to hang out with friends but deep down I'm thinking I have to read an AP US chapter or study for Calculus. I've been giving up more and more each day. I stuff my face with food because it seems like that is the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that I can find pleasure in just that one moment. But that one moment isn't enough because later I feel guilty eating so much food. I feel like I'm on life support. Hanging on to each and everyday just to stay alive. Just to live a little bit more. Yet that willingness to live isn't enough. Suffering, getting shots, tubes down your throat. I want to live, but sometimes maybe dying would be more pleasurable.

I do feel like the most worthless, disgusting person in the world. Sorry I have no self confidence. Come on..... If you had my grades you wouldn't either. I sometimes have this feeling when I get that AP US test back that people don't need to see the most worthless, disgusting person. Their life might be more enjoyable. I really don't love myself. What have I become? What have I become?

So today, as I cry driving to the chiropractor, thinking how stupid I am and telling myself all these bad things. I still have the will to live. I really don't know how much will I have but I sure have some. Ok, I sometimes do want to die, but that is just stupid of me to kill myself. I guess this is the real me, yet I don't want it to be. I want to be confident, smart, bold, strong, yet...... I'm not. That's reality. Yet, I stay away from it. I hide , I run away, from the evil monster of reality. But it keeps on chasing after me trying to eat me, stopping on all my dreams, on all my goals, and mostly myself.

reality = GODZILLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!