Today was States.... hmmm.. should have gone to computer science... maybe that way I would have like I gotten somewhere.
I've been really pessimistic lately.. more like always... or is it just me that no one ever gives me a second glance. They just glance and walk away like I'm not there. I say hi but they talk to the girl behind me who was, of course, prettier, nicer, had that SELF-CONFIDENCE which the guy liked. I don't know why I don't have this so called SELF-CONFIDENCE. I really wish I could. But ever since I was young, I was always judged on how I look and first impressions are pretty important. Yes, I am a little on the chubby side... and a lot of guys go straight to the pretty girls to talk to first then gradually go on to us... the not so pretty girls. Often happens at tournaments.
I've lost all the self-confidence because I always seem to not succeed in what I try. Yes I know PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.. and my mom always says don't judge yourself just because someone didn't try and did something PERFECTLY that you could do that too. But why are they so lucky? Where do they get this talent?
Am I just a late bloomer? Have I not realized this MAGICAL TALENT THAT I HAVE YET? Well FREAKING HURRY UP AND BLOOM!!! Because maybe THAT might boost my self-confidence. Or I can tell my parents to STFU about my weight... but again.. I'm passive and scared of everything. Everyone around me seem to have a talent of something like being smart, being a great speaker, being a nice person, and EVERYTHING ELSE. Why am I not the lucky one? I was probably just a mix-up... maybe I was supposed to be born as a PIG. There goes again with my pessimism.
Oh and I also have another problem... being selfless. The not being confident part makes me feel that maybe I can gain confidence if I help people... well in some situations yes but I get to the point where I would give my life to the dead so they can enjoy their life they were supposed to have and maybe that 9 year old kid could have been happier. Yes that kid is happy now but maybe with his father around he could have been happier. We never know.
I've noticed guys tend to go for my friends. I mean it is great for my friends and all but I just end up lonely because your friend has guys, your other friend has guys, your other other friends has guys, and YOU have nothing but your computer and a book. Books are good, but they don't tend to flirt back... neither does MY computer. You might have guys online that are flirting with you but again those are my friends. I have Facebook and watch everyone flirt with each other or I can watch Bleach or something else instead.
Also friends I have a problem with those. My friends have better friends or more important friends that are more FUN AND HAPPY to talk to unlike me. I have a problem with trusting people. I never do even if they were my close friend. Some of my secrets aren't shared with my best friend because she wouldn't understand. People could relate to this but not to the point where I am... if you are one of them PLEASE talk to me(only if you like sad talk). I don't understand myself at all.. what so ever... why is that? I am a late bloomer aren't I? Not knowing who I am .. WOW... that is stupid..
My brain isn't so great, neither is my body, and neither is my face. But when your friend's brain, body, and face are great guys go for her. I have to say I get JEALOUS... SOOO JEALOUS. I'm always jealous and it kills me. It hurts me and it hurts my friend. This TRUE EVIL thing of jealousy is nuts. You wish you could have those boobs, butt, that hair, face, body, brians, and mostly PERSONALITY. But being fake isn't a good thing either.
I hope soon I can find who I want to be and who I am. And I hope that blossom into a cactus... haha j/k at least a decent FLOWER something that POPS or eye-catching or absolutely beautiful just as itself. So if you are just like me and seem to be a late bloomer let's face the sun and soak in the rain and be that BEAUTIFUL flower.
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