friendship.... love......hate.....history.....

I'm up at 1 30 blogging and staring at my blank sheet of paper.... or WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY AP US HISTORY ESSAY.... yet.. I can't write anything. I can't analyze history. I don't understand history. I don't even understand why I don't understand history. I never really liked it.. maybe it is because I hate my past or past in general. In the back of my head, I want to ask for help, but I have to do this by myself. No one is going to help me out there.

Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.

Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.

When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......

<333 Reina

whispers

*psst psst psst* I hear it walking down the hall. I hold my books tighter hoping they aren't talking about me. Walking as quickly as I can and keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me, so I don't trip. At last I made it to my class. Good no one isn't here I can take a little break from all those evil glares I get. Are they talking about me? Do they hate me? Why am I the one being talked about?

I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.

I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.

People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!

I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!

WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.

<3 you guys!!