I'm up at 1 30 blogging and staring at my blank sheet of paper.... or WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY AP US HISTORY ESSAY.... yet.. I can't write anything. I can't analyze history. I don't understand history. I don't even understand why I don't understand history. I never really liked it.. maybe it is because I hate my past or past in general. In the back of my head, I want to ask for help, but I have to do this by myself. No one is going to help me out there.
Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.
Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.
When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......
<333 Reina
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