*psst psst psst* I hear it walking down the hall. I hold my books tighter hoping they aren't talking about me. Walking as quickly as I can and keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me, so I don't trip. At last I made it to my class. Good no one isn't here I can take a little break from all those evil glares I get. Are they talking about me? Do they hate me? Why am I the one being talked about?
I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.
I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.
People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!
I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!
WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.
<3 you guys!!
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