Sometimes when I'm walking by myself, thoughts run through my head constantly. Recently stuff has happened between my friends and I just wished sometimes they focus off of that and really look at what is going on. People seem to be looking at only certain people and I just wished that they look over here. LIKE WAVE MY HAND AND SAY HELLO?!?!?! ANYONE NOTICE THAT I'M CRYING?
yet they look at other people and think they are more important. I love my friends for caring about me but I wish they could JUST STUFF me with cotton, rainbows, and hearts to make me feel truly loved.
It seems like I'm wanting attention and I do, but I don't want to SHOW the whole world that I want attention. For example, like sitting by myself, or crying in front of people, or not talking. I still FAKE myself being happy. I always try to smile and keep that energy going. It makes other people happier to see me happy. Yet, I've always wanted someone who can see RIGHT through that and ask what is wrong even when I am smiling like crazy.
Also I've been reading this manga called School Days. Where because of jealousy people end up dying. I guess deep down sometimes I do want to kill people to make all this suffering and pain go away, but I will never do such a thing because a) it is just cruel b) too scared c) not right d) and just plain sick. We do such evil things because of jealousy and it is horrible. I really do hate it sometimes. The so called "monster" is still here and I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED OF MONSTERS.
What is seriously happening to me? Is the monster eating me from the inside?
This weekend has been the CRAZIEST weekend. I had 2 parties to go to and SO MANY TESTS to study for.. yet, I still have time to blog .. >.<
I've been really tired of drama.. and hw... and more hw.... yet I can't believe I'm still standing on my two feet. My feet are a little shakey, but I'M STILL STANDING. My friend tells me that they think I'm so strong especially from what I'm going through, but I think I'm as weak as a new born baby. I haven't experienced anything, I haven't been in THAT much pain compared to others, and I CRY LIKE A NEW BORN BABY TOO!!! But I felt happy that someone told me that they thought I was strong. I don't feel strong, but am I putting on a facade of strength? I really don't know. The "monster" seems to be taking over and the monster is FIERCE I TELL YOU FIERCE!!
I'm so confused and lonely but I'm still glad I have great friends. But now I think I know who my true friends are. I thought someone was my friend but it seems like "it" made me feel worse about myself, made me cry, not care about me WHAT SO EVER, and I don't understand who "it" is.
This weekend was fun though. I have to say I learned a lot, yet I was in a lot of pain. physically and mentally. I just wish I REALLY could cry in front of someone b/c I don't think anyone has TRULY seen me cry. All I need is A BIG HUG and a nice talk.
No comments:
Post a Comment