Sometimes when I'm walking by myself, thoughts run through my head constantly. Recently stuff has happened between my friends and I just wished sometimes they focus off of that and really look at what is going on. People seem to be looking at only certain people and I just wished that they look over here. LIKE WAVE MY HAND AND SAY HELLO?!?!?! ANYONE NOTICE THAT I'M CRYING?
yet they look at other people and think they are more important. I love my friends for caring about me but I wish they could JUST STUFF me with cotton, rainbows, and hearts to make me feel truly loved.
It seems like I'm wanting attention and I do, but I don't want to SHOW the whole world that I want attention. For example, like sitting by myself, or crying in front of people, or not talking. I still FAKE myself being happy. I always try to smile and keep that energy going. It makes other people happier to see me happy. Yet, I've always wanted someone who can see RIGHT through that and ask what is wrong even when I am smiling like crazy.
Also I've been reading this manga called School Days. Where because of jealousy people end up dying. I guess deep down sometimes I do want to kill people to make all this suffering and pain go away, but I will never do such a thing because a) it is just cruel b) too scared c) not right d) and just plain sick. We do such evil things because of jealousy and it is horrible. I really do hate it sometimes. The so called "monster" is still here and I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED OF MONSTERS.
What is seriously happening to me? Is the monster eating me from the inside?
This weekend has been the CRAZIEST weekend. I had 2 parties to go to and SO MANY TESTS to study for.. yet, I still have time to blog .. >.<
I've been really tired of drama.. and hw... and more hw.... yet I can't believe I'm still standing on my two feet. My feet are a little shakey, but I'M STILL STANDING. My friend tells me that they think I'm so strong especially from what I'm going through, but I think I'm as weak as a new born baby. I haven't experienced anything, I haven't been in THAT much pain compared to others, and I CRY LIKE A NEW BORN BABY TOO!!! But I felt happy that someone told me that they thought I was strong. I don't feel strong, but am I putting on a facade of strength? I really don't know. The "monster" seems to be taking over and the monster is FIERCE I TELL YOU FIERCE!!
I'm so confused and lonely but I'm still glad I have great friends. But now I think I know who my true friends are. I thought someone was my friend but it seems like "it" made me feel worse about myself, made me cry, not care about me WHAT SO EVER, and I don't understand who "it" is.
This weekend was fun though. I have to say I learned a lot, yet I was in a lot of pain. physically and mentally. I just wish I REALLY could cry in front of someone b/c I don't think anyone has TRULY seen me cry. All I need is A BIG HUG and a nice talk.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Districts and all the people who have the hero inside them =]
CONGRATULATIONS FOR THE NATIONAL QUALIFIERS IN FORENSICS!!!
I really am happy for you guys!
The song they played during the awards kind of hit me.
Is there really a hero in me? Is there really a hero that is going to come and save me?
I've been pondering about that today after the tournament. Well, my friends are my heroes so they always save me, but I need to save myself sometimes. I don't think I have the strength inside to face the world alone. I need to step up though. Again, am I just that late bloomer and that I just haven't found the hero in myself yet or what? That also leads to confidence. I have a very low esteem and I know I need to bring it to a high level but not too high. How does it feel like to be successful, to be proud of yourself, to be happy, to feel that you are worth something, to feel important, to feel that you are good at something? I really don't know how that feels. Can someone tell me b/c I would like to know.
Next year hope I will get to experience all those things. Because hoping is all I can do right now. I can't wait for the world to change, I just have to change it myself. So for everyone out there who are going to NATIONALS you guys are all my hero =] proud of you. Wish I could have the strength, the motivation, the talent, and everything else. Not just the people who are going to nationals but all my friends are all my heroes because they stick with me even though i am like this. I wish you HEROES with all my heart to have a GREAT weekend!!
I really am happy for you guys!
The song they played during the awards kind of hit me.
Is there really a hero in me? Is there really a hero that is going to come and save me?
I've been pondering about that today after the tournament. Well, my friends are my heroes so they always save me, but I need to save myself sometimes. I don't think I have the strength inside to face the world alone. I need to step up though. Again, am I just that late bloomer and that I just haven't found the hero in myself yet or what? That also leads to confidence. I have a very low esteem and I know I need to bring it to a high level but not too high. How does it feel like to be successful, to be proud of yourself, to be happy, to feel that you are worth something, to feel important, to feel that you are good at something? I really don't know how that feels. Can someone tell me b/c I would like to know.
Next year hope I will get to experience all those things. Because hoping is all I can do right now. I can't wait for the world to change, I just have to change it myself. So for everyone out there who are going to NATIONALS you guys are all my hero =] proud of you. Wish I could have the strength, the motivation, the talent, and everything else. Not just the people who are going to nationals but all my friends are all my heroes because they stick with me even though i am like this. I wish you HEROES with all my heart to have a GREAT weekend!!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
The Late Bloomer... or not...
Today was States.... hmmm.. should have gone to computer science... maybe that way I would have like I gotten somewhere.
I've been really pessimistic lately.. more like always... or is it just me that no one ever gives me a second glance. They just glance and walk away like I'm not there. I say hi but they talk to the girl behind me who was, of course, prettier, nicer, had that SELF-CONFIDENCE which the guy liked. I don't know why I don't have this so called SELF-CONFIDENCE. I really wish I could. But ever since I was young, I was always judged on how I look and first impressions are pretty important. Yes, I am a little on the chubby side... and a lot of guys go straight to the pretty girls to talk to first then gradually go on to us... the not so pretty girls. Often happens at tournaments.
I've lost all the self-confidence because I always seem to not succeed in what I try. Yes I know PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.. and my mom always says don't judge yourself just because someone didn't try and did something PERFECTLY that you could do that too. But why are they so lucky? Where do they get this talent?
Am I just a late bloomer? Have I not realized this MAGICAL TALENT THAT I HAVE YET? Well FREAKING HURRY UP AND BLOOM!!! Because maybe THAT might boost my self-confidence. Or I can tell my parents to STFU about my weight... but again.. I'm passive and scared of everything. Everyone around me seem to have a talent of something like being smart, being a great speaker, being a nice person, and EVERYTHING ELSE. Why am I not the lucky one? I was probably just a mix-up... maybe I was supposed to be born as a PIG. There goes again with my pessimism.
Oh and I also have another problem... being selfless. The not being confident part makes me feel that maybe I can gain confidence if I help people... well in some situations yes but I get to the point where I would give my life to the dead so they can enjoy their life they were supposed to have and maybe that 9 year old kid could have been happier. Yes that kid is happy now but maybe with his father around he could have been happier. We never know.
I've noticed guys tend to go for my friends. I mean it is great for my friends and all but I just end up lonely because your friend has guys, your other friend has guys, your other other friends has guys, and YOU have nothing but your computer and a book. Books are good, but they don't tend to flirt back... neither does MY computer. You might have guys online that are flirting with you but again those are my friends. I have Facebook and watch everyone flirt with each other or I can watch Bleach or something else instead.
Also friends I have a problem with those. My friends have better friends or more important friends that are more FUN AND HAPPY to talk to unlike me. I have a problem with trusting people. I never do even if they were my close friend. Some of my secrets aren't shared with my best friend because she wouldn't understand. People could relate to this but not to the point where I am... if you are one of them PLEASE talk to me(only if you like sad talk). I don't understand myself at all.. what so ever... why is that? I am a late bloomer aren't I? Not knowing who I am .. WOW... that is stupid..
My brain isn't so great, neither is my body, and neither is my face. But when your friend's brain, body, and face are great guys go for her. I have to say I get JEALOUS... SOOO JEALOUS. I'm always jealous and it kills me. It hurts me and it hurts my friend. This TRUE EVIL thing of jealousy is nuts. You wish you could have those boobs, butt, that hair, face, body, brians, and mostly PERSONALITY. But being fake isn't a good thing either.
I hope soon I can find who I want to be and who I am. And I hope that blossom into a cactus... haha j/k at least a decent FLOWER something that POPS or eye-catching or absolutely beautiful just as itself. So if you are just like me and seem to be a late bloomer let's face the sun and soak in the rain and be that BEAUTIFUL flower.
I've been really pessimistic lately.. more like always... or is it just me that no one ever gives me a second glance. They just glance and walk away like I'm not there. I say hi but they talk to the girl behind me who was, of course, prettier, nicer, had that SELF-CONFIDENCE which the guy liked. I don't know why I don't have this so called SELF-CONFIDENCE. I really wish I could. But ever since I was young, I was always judged on how I look and first impressions are pretty important. Yes, I am a little on the chubby side... and a lot of guys go straight to the pretty girls to talk to first then gradually go on to us... the not so pretty girls. Often happens at tournaments.
I've lost all the self-confidence because I always seem to not succeed in what I try. Yes I know PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.. and my mom always says don't judge yourself just because someone didn't try and did something PERFECTLY that you could do that too. But why are they so lucky? Where do they get this talent?
Am I just a late bloomer? Have I not realized this MAGICAL TALENT THAT I HAVE YET? Well FREAKING HURRY UP AND BLOOM!!! Because maybe THAT might boost my self-confidence. Or I can tell my parents to STFU about my weight... but again.. I'm passive and scared of everything. Everyone around me seem to have a talent of something like being smart, being a great speaker, being a nice person, and EVERYTHING ELSE. Why am I not the lucky one? I was probably just a mix-up... maybe I was supposed to be born as a PIG. There goes again with my pessimism.
Oh and I also have another problem... being selfless. The not being confident part makes me feel that maybe I can gain confidence if I help people... well in some situations yes but I get to the point where I would give my life to the dead so they can enjoy their life they were supposed to have and maybe that 9 year old kid could have been happier. Yes that kid is happy now but maybe with his father around he could have been happier. We never know.
I've noticed guys tend to go for my friends. I mean it is great for my friends and all but I just end up lonely because your friend has guys, your other friend has guys, your other other friends has guys, and YOU have nothing but your computer and a book. Books are good, but they don't tend to flirt back... neither does MY computer. You might have guys online that are flirting with you but again those are my friends. I have Facebook and watch everyone flirt with each other or I can watch Bleach or something else instead.
Also friends I have a problem with those. My friends have better friends or more important friends that are more FUN AND HAPPY to talk to unlike me. I have a problem with trusting people. I never do even if they were my close friend. Some of my secrets aren't shared with my best friend because she wouldn't understand. People could relate to this but not to the point where I am... if you are one of them PLEASE talk to me(only if you like sad talk). I don't understand myself at all.. what so ever... why is that? I am a late bloomer aren't I? Not knowing who I am .. WOW... that is stupid..
My brain isn't so great, neither is my body, and neither is my face. But when your friend's brain, body, and face are great guys go for her. I have to say I get JEALOUS... SOOO JEALOUS. I'm always jealous and it kills me. It hurts me and it hurts my friend. This TRUE EVIL thing of jealousy is nuts. You wish you could have those boobs, butt, that hair, face, body, brians, and mostly PERSONALITY. But being fake isn't a good thing either.
I hope soon I can find who I want to be and who I am. And I hope that blossom into a cactus... haha j/k at least a decent FLOWER something that POPS or eye-catching or absolutely beautiful just as itself. So if you are just like me and seem to be a late bloomer let's face the sun and soak in the rain and be that BEAUTIFUL flower.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Wishes, Dreams, and Goals
I have many wishes, dreams, and goals. They may sound the same to you but they are different to me. My wishes are out there and very "Anime" like or "Asian drama" like, my dreams are possible but they are way in the future like becoming a doctor, and my goals are now and the future but per week or month. What are your wishes, dreams, and goals? Are they the same to you?
Why do we wish, dream, and make goals? Does that make us a better person?
Wishes, dreams, and goals are able for me to change my future. I can't change my past but I can sure change my future. That way I won't regret anything because I choose what I want to do. Some things might happen because you can never predict anything. 日本語に書くことにしました。
人生は、とても大切です。私の願いは、良い男と恋したい。でも、夢は医者になる事です。
Why do we wish, dream, and make goals? Does that make us a better person?
Wishes, dreams, and goals are able for me to change my future. I can't change my past but I can sure change my future. That way I won't regret anything because I choose what I want to do. Some things might happen because you can never predict anything. 日本語に書くことにしました。
人生は、とても大切です。私の願いは、良い男と恋したい。でも、夢は医者になる事です。
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