I'm up at 1 30 blogging and staring at my blank sheet of paper.... or WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY AP US HISTORY ESSAY.... yet.. I can't write anything. I can't analyze history. I don't understand history. I don't even understand why I don't understand history. I never really liked it.. maybe it is because I hate my past or past in general. In the back of my head, I want to ask for help, but I have to do this by myself. No one is going to help me out there.
Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.
Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.
When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......
<333 Reina
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
whispers
*psst psst psst* I hear it walking down the hall. I hold my books tighter hoping they aren't talking about me. Walking as quickly as I can and keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me, so I don't trip. At last I made it to my class. Good no one isn't here I can take a little break from all those evil glares I get. Are they talking about me? Do they hate me? Why am I the one being talked about?
I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.
I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.
People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!
I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!
WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.
<3 you guys!!
I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.
I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.
People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!
I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!
WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.
<3 you guys!!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!
I've seen the UGHH SCHOOL WAS A DRAG 179 days left of it THANK GOD!!!! and I've also seen YAY!!!! TODAY WAS AN AMAZING FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!
I look at it this way and maybe people who had a bad day of school today, this might help. Today I loved seeing my friends and that is what made it a great day for me. I love learning about people and see how much they have changed, grew up, and learn more about themselves. I just find that AMAZING!!!! I love people because they seem to fascinate and how they think. If you think things are awkward well did you ever think that it is just you that is awkward? Maybe you are just awkward and you are making it awkward. Look at it differently or do something that makes it not awkward. I had my awkward moments at school today too!!!! But those little moments made me feel different yet I forget and keep on going with a BIG smile on my face and knowing that I'm going to try my best to have a GREAT day at school.
I had a moment at school where everyone seemed to be grouped and talking together while I was being a nice person and talking to this new student about our school. Try to keep the new kid some company. I felt really LEFT out of everyone's conversation and right then and there I felt like I didn't belong here. But you know what I just pushed it to the side and just looked forward to the rest of the day. The rooms were crowded with soo many students and couldn't find some room, teachers wouldnt' let me use the bathroom but you know what made my day?
Just seeing the faces of my friends. Some looked dreadful b/c it was the first day of school, some had that "fake" smile on their faces so their friends wouldn't be put down on the OMGAH TODAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY!!!!, some actually were truly happy to be at school, and some were mad at the new rules and so on. I hate seeing people who had a bad day at school b/c of thing like feeling awkward or like idk someone stole their wallet or they shoved them in a locker. If I got shoved in a locker, I prob would hate my first day of school but you know what I've never been shoved in a locker so I wouldn't really know.
So on the first day of school, I got to see my 2010 class's faces. They had all these expressions on their faces yet I was happy even though some faces were sad-ish. You know why? Because I was just GLAD to see them. For you kids out there who had a bad first day of school, just have a great one tomorrow. You have many other days to have ONE good day of school. School is for education and for me, it is to see my lovely classmates faces and talk to them. I might have a bad day here and there but for me to make it better I must make it better and see the next day as a new day and not let a bad day yesterday hold me back. Because I'm me. Just look forward to a great day and even if it is bad look forward to a great day tomorrow!!!
WOO 2ND DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW! HOPE IT IS GOOD!111
I look at it this way and maybe people who had a bad day of school today, this might help. Today I loved seeing my friends and that is what made it a great day for me. I love learning about people and see how much they have changed, grew up, and learn more about themselves. I just find that AMAZING!!!! I love people because they seem to fascinate and how they think. If you think things are awkward well did you ever think that it is just you that is awkward? Maybe you are just awkward and you are making it awkward. Look at it differently or do something that makes it not awkward. I had my awkward moments at school today too!!!! But those little moments made me feel different yet I forget and keep on going with a BIG smile on my face and knowing that I'm going to try my best to have a GREAT day at school.
I had a moment at school where everyone seemed to be grouped and talking together while I was being a nice person and talking to this new student about our school. Try to keep the new kid some company. I felt really LEFT out of everyone's conversation and right then and there I felt like I didn't belong here. But you know what I just pushed it to the side and just looked forward to the rest of the day. The rooms were crowded with soo many students and couldn't find some room, teachers wouldnt' let me use the bathroom but you know what made my day?
Just seeing the faces of my friends. Some looked dreadful b/c it was the first day of school, some had that "fake" smile on their faces so their friends wouldn't be put down on the OMGAH TODAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY!!!!, some actually were truly happy to be at school, and some were mad at the new rules and so on. I hate seeing people who had a bad day at school b/c of thing like feeling awkward or like idk someone stole their wallet or they shoved them in a locker. If I got shoved in a locker, I prob would hate my first day of school but you know what I've never been shoved in a locker so I wouldn't really know.
So on the first day of school, I got to see my 2010 class's faces. They had all these expressions on their faces yet I was happy even though some faces were sad-ish. You know why? Because I was just GLAD to see them. For you kids out there who had a bad first day of school, just have a great one tomorrow. You have many other days to have ONE good day of school. School is for education and for me, it is to see my lovely classmates faces and talk to them. I might have a bad day here and there but for me to make it better I must make it better and see the next day as a new day and not let a bad day yesterday hold me back. Because I'm me. Just look forward to a great day and even if it is bad look forward to a great day tomorrow!!!
WOO 2ND DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW! HOPE IT IS GOOD!111
Saturday, August 16, 2008
NOW I REALLY FEEL OLD!!!!!
So on August 15th, my friends decided to throw me a SURPRISE 16th birthday party even though my birthday was a little over a month ago. It just made me realize how fast life has gone by. I mean I remember going to freshman camp meeting a Japanese speaking WHITE boy. I was pretty scared, but I thought that was amazing. A lot of stuff happened throughout my 16 years of living so far. I mean SO MANY memories and I can't believe that in about 2 more years these friends that threw my surprise party will be going to a different school.
So I will tell you about my 16 years so far. First I was born... OBVIOUSLY!! And since this is on the web I can't say where and what day but anyways. Then I had like a million babysitters since my parents were in the restaurant business. Elementary school was kind of boring. No drama, no guys, and just pure innocence. Middle school was the killer year. My friends were AMAZING and I wish some went to my high school. Middle school was the year of teasing and same with the end of elementary. The typical Asian jokes...... YOU KNOW! Well, then we have HIGH SCHOOL!!!! My freshman year WAS BEASTLY!!!!! That was the BEST year in my life so far. Everyone seemed happy with each other and there wasn't much grouping. Of course that year I had my first boyfriend. But on top of that just hanging out with everyone with no problems was the best part. And then Sophomore year everyone kind of drifted apart and grouping and actually didn't seem to enjoy life. Kind of dead-ish, I guess you could say. I studied hard that year and luckily passed my exams. But OH MAN I wish I could go back to freshman year. My friends are still amazing but freshman year, idk, they just seemed HAPPIER. And being me I love seeing happy. I really do and hopefully senior year everyone will be happy.
This is a very bad summary of my life. But I really enjoyed it and I still will. I will have problems on the way and get sad here and there. But I really don't want to regret anything. Yet I do but OH WELL. So people who are reading this.... PLEASE enjoy your life because I've enjoyed mine and I still will. Work your butt off but have fun doing it. Make a lot friends, party hard, and relax because the ride isn't over just yet and probably not even starting. I hope everyone had a nice summer because....... to tell you the truth....... SCHOOL is about to start
>.<
So I will tell you about my 16 years so far. First I was born... OBVIOUSLY!! And since this is on the web I can't say where and what day but anyways. Then I had like a million babysitters since my parents were in the restaurant business. Elementary school was kind of boring. No drama, no guys, and just pure innocence. Middle school was the killer year. My friends were AMAZING and I wish some went to my high school. Middle school was the year of teasing and same with the end of elementary. The typical Asian jokes...... YOU KNOW! Well, then we have HIGH SCHOOL!!!! My freshman year WAS BEASTLY!!!!! That was the BEST year in my life so far. Everyone seemed happy with each other and there wasn't much grouping. Of course that year I had my first boyfriend. But on top of that just hanging out with everyone with no problems was the best part. And then Sophomore year everyone kind of drifted apart and grouping and actually didn't seem to enjoy life. Kind of dead-ish, I guess you could say. I studied hard that year and luckily passed my exams. But OH MAN I wish I could go back to freshman year. My friends are still amazing but freshman year, idk, they just seemed HAPPIER. And being me I love seeing happy. I really do and hopefully senior year everyone will be happy.
This is a very bad summary of my life. But I really enjoyed it and I still will. I will have problems on the way and get sad here and there. But I really don't want to regret anything. Yet I do but OH WELL. So people who are reading this.... PLEASE enjoy your life because I've enjoyed mine and I still will. Work your butt off but have fun doing it. Make a lot friends, party hard, and relax because the ride isn't over just yet and probably not even starting. I hope everyone had a nice summer because....... to tell you the truth....... SCHOOL is about to start
>.<
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
GARY WANTS ME TO BLOG!!!!!!
teehee!!!! i love you GFAN!!!! anyways!!!! So, lately I've been chilling, relaxing, you know the typical summer thing to do. Well...... summer is almost over and I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED SO MUCH TIME DOING NOTHING!!!! *sigh* Oh well.... it has been an amazing summer. I learned a lot about myself and realized a lot of things that was bad about me. I decided to change for the good. I became more positive. This is pretty hard to tell you the truth. Problems with friends, school work (since I'm a junior now), and just the stress with life. I went to a Buddhist conference and I had a conversation with nice guy over there. He didn't have a faith to go to when he was in trouble and I felt bad that I always did and I never really used my faith when I was in trouble. I never really liked religion because of how many complications it brings to the world. But maybe just maybe this might be a little different. Maybe I can chant everyday and maybe life might get better I really don't know. Can life get easier just by having faith in a religion? I was really happy when the adults that stayed with me said that I had a nice head on my shoulders and I was going on the right road. What is the right road anyways? I was kind of happy yet confused when they told me this. I thought I was the crazy one who didn't know WHAT THE CRAP was going on yet they said I had a good head on my shoulders. Yeah, lately I've been really happy and optimistic about how I view life but from an adult I felt happy. It feels amazing. I realized how unhappy I was and how unhappy it made people feel and making people feel unhappy was HORRIBLE. I love making people happy yet not being happy myself was making other people unhappy. I didn't realize it until one note from 2 years ago kicked me back in the butt. Well, at least I've changed for the better. So far only a few people have noticed. but I want the people I'm close to really notice and hopefully I can make them feel happier and better about themselves b/c that is what friends are for =]
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Summer 08
It is SUMMER!!! YAY!! In the beginning I didn't do much, but then I went to EUROPE!! I went to Rome, Italy then Paris, France. It was TONS of fun. We went to the top of Eiffel Tower, went to the Louvre, went to Pompeii, and other places that I can't think of/I'm to lazy to list. I bought a lot of stuff and used A LOT of money. I can't believe the dollar is so weak. I haven't learned any life shocking lessons except to make sure that one doesn't spend A LOT OF money especially in Europe. I have been practicing my driving and I'm really nervous getting my license because I don't want to fail or anything. Why is it that I'm so afraid of failing? Is failing bad? I really don't understand. At my school, failing can mean getting a C, but it will all depend on the person. Does that mean my expectations are low? I really don't know. I have been studying for the SAT. I really don't know how well I want to do. Yes I want to make a perfect score, but am I capable of that. Is my brain able to hold all this information or is it able to function like that? I'm really lost about myself and maybe studying for the SAT more can figure out how big my brain can expand. Well I guess that is it for now. Back to rewatching code geass and talking to friends on AIM!!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Ending Sophomore year
I survived another year!! YAY!!! I'm proud of myself for passing every single class! =]....
Well this year for me has been a mess. It seems like this year was the year of pain yet it was one of my favorite years because I learned so much. I've made new friends and I got closer to other ones. Horizons, MUN, and YIG, imo, were the best part of my sophomore year. I learned so much and sort of felt like I belonged. At school everyday, I sit there, smile, and look like I'm happy and sometimes I am. I really think this fake smile is getting old. I'm tired of it, but yet I can't seem to stop because people will ask what is wrong. I wish I had someone there to rub my back and say it is ok. I have friends but man I wish I had someone special. I'm not patient as usual. >.< I'm really glad I had my friends this year because these amazing people were the ones that helped me through my sophomore year and keep myself standing on my own two feet. Junior year is going to be a killer and I won't be able to blog that much, but I hope I can make it through.
This summer I'M GOING TO EUROPE (FRANCE AND ITALY)
I'm so excited because it is my first time going to Europe. I hope no one tries to steal anything from me. I get to room with my friends which make it so much better. This summer I want to take tennis lessons, volunteer for CAS hours, party, get my license, and many more.
My birthday... meh.... probably not going to do anything since I usually don't maybe just go to lunch with some friends and spend the night and go downtown on july 4th to see fireworks but nothing that special. I get a car and get to go to Europe, so I'm happy enough with that.
My biggest goal this summer is to lose 20 pounds. That may seem a lot, but I really want to lose it and begin my junior year FRESH! It is going to be hard since I'm going to Europe but I can try. I've been trying to lose weight for the past couple of years yet I seem to not have the motivation and I really don't know what can be my motivation. Guys liking me more... but that is really stupid because I want guys to like for who I am and not how I look. I think this will boost my self confidence which I'm lacking.
Well that is all for my sophomore year.
HAVE A GREAT END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR EVERYONE =]
Well this year for me has been a mess. It seems like this year was the year of pain yet it was one of my favorite years because I learned so much. I've made new friends and I got closer to other ones. Horizons, MUN, and YIG, imo, were the best part of my sophomore year. I learned so much and sort of felt like I belonged. At school everyday, I sit there, smile, and look like I'm happy and sometimes I am. I really think this fake smile is getting old. I'm tired of it, but yet I can't seem to stop because people will ask what is wrong. I wish I had someone there to rub my back and say it is ok. I have friends but man I wish I had someone special. I'm not patient as usual. >.< I'm really glad I had my friends this year because these amazing people were the ones that helped me through my sophomore year and keep myself standing on my own two feet. Junior year is going to be a killer and I won't be able to blog that much, but I hope I can make it through.
This summer I'M GOING TO EUROPE (FRANCE AND ITALY)
I'm so excited because it is my first time going to Europe. I hope no one tries to steal anything from me. I get to room with my friends which make it so much better. This summer I want to take tennis lessons, volunteer for CAS hours, party, get my license, and many more.
My birthday... meh.... probably not going to do anything since I usually don't maybe just go to lunch with some friends and spend the night and go downtown on july 4th to see fireworks but nothing that special. I get a car and get to go to Europe, so I'm happy enough with that.
My biggest goal this summer is to lose 20 pounds. That may seem a lot, but I really want to lose it and begin my junior year FRESH! It is going to be hard since I'm going to Europe but I can try. I've been trying to lose weight for the past couple of years yet I seem to not have the motivation and I really don't know what can be my motivation. Guys liking me more... but that is really stupid because I want guys to like for who I am and not how I look. I think this will boost my self confidence which I'm lacking.
Well that is all for my sophomore year.
HAVE A GREAT END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR EVERYONE =]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)