NOW I REALLY FEEL OLD!!!!!

So on August 15th, my friends decided to throw me a SURPRISE 16th birthday party even though my birthday was a little over a month ago. It just made me realize how fast life has gone by. I mean I remember going to freshman camp meeting a Japanese speaking WHITE boy. I was pretty scared, but I thought that was amazing. A lot of stuff happened throughout my 16 years of living so far. I mean SO MANY memories and I can't believe that in about 2 more years these friends that threw my surprise party will be going to a different school.


So I will tell you about my 16 years so far. First I was born... OBVIOUSLY!! And since this is on the web I can't say where and what day but anyways. Then I had like a million babysitters since my parents were in the restaurant business. Elementary school was kind of boring. No drama, no guys, and just pure innocence. Middle school was the killer year. My friends were AMAZING and I wish some went to my high school. Middle school was the year of teasing and same with the end of elementary. The typical Asian jokes...... YOU KNOW! Well, then we have HIGH SCHOOL!!!! My freshman year WAS BEASTLY!!!!! That was the BEST year in my life so far. Everyone seemed happy with each other and there wasn't much grouping. Of course that year I had my first boyfriend. But on top of that just hanging out with everyone with no problems was the best part. And then Sophomore year everyone kind of drifted apart and grouping and actually didn't seem to enjoy life. Kind of dead-ish, I guess you could say. I studied hard that year and luckily passed my exams. But OH MAN I wish I could go back to freshman year. My friends are still amazing but freshman year, idk, they just seemed HAPPIER. And being me I love seeing happy. I really do and hopefully senior year everyone will be happy.


This is a very bad summary of my life. But I really enjoyed it and I still will. I will have problems on the way and get sad here and there. But I really don't want to regret anything. Yet I do but OH WELL. So people who are reading this.... PLEASE enjoy your life because I've enjoyed mine and I still will. Work your butt off but have fun doing it. Make a lot friends, party hard, and relax because the ride isn't over just yet and probably not even starting. I hope everyone had a nice summer because....... to tell you the truth....... SCHOOL is about to start
>.<

GARY WANTS ME TO BLOG!!!!!!

teehee!!!! i love you GFAN!!!! anyways!!!! So, lately I've been chilling, relaxing, you know the typical summer thing to do. Well...... summer is almost over and I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED SO MUCH TIME DOING NOTHING!!!! *sigh* Oh well.... it has been an amazing summer. I learned a lot about myself and realized a lot of things that was bad about me. I decided to change for the good. I became more positive. This is pretty hard to tell you the truth. Problems with friends, school work (since I'm a junior now), and just the stress with life. I went to a Buddhist conference and I had a conversation with nice guy over there. He didn't have a faith to go to when he was in trouble and I felt bad that I always did and I never really used my faith when I was in trouble. I never really liked religion because of how many complications it brings to the world. But maybe just maybe this might be a little different. Maybe I can chant everyday and maybe life might get better I really don't know. Can life get easier just by having faith in a religion? I was really happy when the adults that stayed with me said that I had a nice head on my shoulders and I was going on the right road. What is the right road anyways? I was kind of happy yet confused when they told me this. I thought I was the crazy one who didn't know WHAT THE CRAP was going on yet they said I had a good head on my shoulders. Yeah, lately I've been really happy and optimistic about how I view life but from an adult I felt happy. It feels amazing. I realized how unhappy I was and how unhappy it made people feel and making people feel unhappy was HORRIBLE. I love making people happy yet not being happy myself was making other people unhappy. I didn't realize it until one note from 2 years ago kicked me back in the butt. Well, at least I've changed for the better. So far only a few people have noticed. but I want the people I'm close to really notice and hopefully I can make them feel happier and better about themselves b/c that is what friends are for =]

Summer 08

It is SUMMER!!! YAY!! In the beginning I didn't do much, but then I went to EUROPE!! I went to Rome, Italy then Paris, France. It was TONS of fun. We went to the top of Eiffel Tower, went to the Louvre, went to Pompeii, and other places that I can't think of/I'm to lazy to list. I bought a lot of stuff and used A LOT of money. I can't believe the dollar is so weak. I haven't learned any life shocking lessons except to make sure that one doesn't spend A LOT OF money especially in Europe. I have been practicing my driving and I'm really nervous getting my license because I don't want to fail or anything. Why is it that I'm so afraid of failing? Is failing bad? I really don't understand. At my school, failing can mean getting a C, but it will all depend on the person. Does that mean my expectations are low? I really don't know. I have been studying for the SAT. I really don't know how well I want to do. Yes I want to make a perfect score, but am I capable of that. Is my brain able to hold all this information or is it able to function like that? I'm really lost about myself and maybe studying for the SAT more can figure out how big my brain can expand. Well I guess that is it for now. Back to rewatching code geass and talking to friends on AIM!!

Ending Sophomore year

I survived another year!! YAY!!! I'm proud of myself for passing every single class! =]....
Well this year for me has been a mess. It seems like this year was the year of pain yet it was one of my favorite years because I learned so much. I've made new friends and I got closer to other ones. Horizons, MUN, and YIG, imo, were the best part of my sophomore year. I learned so much and sort of felt like I belonged. At school everyday, I sit there, smile, and look like I'm happy and sometimes I am. I really think this fake smile is getting old. I'm tired of it, but yet I can't seem to stop because people will ask what is wrong. I wish I had someone there to rub my back and say it is ok. I have friends but man I wish I had someone special. I'm not patient as usual. >.< I'm really glad I had my friends this year because these amazing people were the ones that helped me through my sophomore year and keep myself standing on my own two feet. Junior year is going to be a killer and I won't be able to blog that much, but I hope I can make it through.

This summer I'M GOING TO EUROPE (FRANCE AND ITALY)
I'm so excited because it is my first time going to Europe. I hope no one tries to steal anything from me. I get to room with my friends which make it so much better. This summer I want to take tennis lessons, volunteer for CAS hours, party, get my license, and many more.

My birthday... meh.... probably not going to do anything since I usually don't maybe just go to lunch with some friends and spend the night and go downtown on july 4th to see fireworks but nothing that special. I get a car and get to go to Europe, so I'm happy enough with that.

My biggest goal this summer is to lose 20 pounds. That may seem a lot, but I really want to lose it and begin my junior year FRESH! It is going to be hard since I'm going to Europe but I can try. I've been trying to lose weight for the past couple of years yet I seem to not have the motivation and I really don't know what can be my motivation. Guys liking me more... but that is really stupid because I want guys to like for who I am and not how I look. I think this will boost my self confidence which I'm lacking.

Well that is all for my sophomore year.
HAVE A GREAT END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR EVERYONE =]

Love, jealousy, and BEING TIRED

Sometimes when I'm walking by myself, thoughts run through my head constantly. Recently stuff has happened between my friends and I just wished sometimes they focus off of that and really look at what is going on. People seem to be looking at only certain people and I just wished that they look over here. LIKE WAVE MY HAND AND SAY HELLO?!?!?! ANYONE NOTICE THAT I'M CRYING?
yet they look at other people and think they are more important. I love my friends for caring about me but I wish they could JUST STUFF me with cotton, rainbows, and hearts to make me feel truly loved.
It seems like I'm wanting attention and I do, but I don't want to SHOW the whole world that I want attention. For example, like sitting by myself, or crying in front of people, or not talking. I still FAKE myself being happy. I always try to smile and keep that energy going. It makes other people happier to see me happy. Yet, I've always wanted someone who can see RIGHT through that and ask what is wrong even when I am smiling like crazy.
Also I've been reading this manga called School Days. Where because of jealousy people end up dying. I guess deep down sometimes I do want to kill people to make all this suffering and pain go away, but I will never do such a thing because a) it is just cruel b) too scared c) not right d) and just plain sick. We do such evil things because of jealousy and it is horrible. I really do hate it sometimes. The so called "monster" is still here and I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED OF MONSTERS.
What is seriously happening to me? Is the monster eating me from the inside?
This weekend has been the CRAZIEST weekend. I had 2 parties to go to and SO MANY TESTS to study for.. yet, I still have time to blog .. >.<
I've been really tired of drama.. and hw... and more hw.... yet I can't believe I'm still standing on my two feet. My feet are a little shakey, but I'M STILL STANDING. My friend tells me that they think I'm so strong especially from what I'm going through, but I think I'm as weak as a new born baby. I haven't experienced anything, I haven't been in THAT much pain compared to others, and I CRY LIKE A NEW BORN BABY TOO!!! But I felt happy that someone told me that they thought I was strong. I don't feel strong, but am I putting on a facade of strength? I really don't know. The "monster" seems to be taking over and the monster is FIERCE I TELL YOU FIERCE!!
I'm so confused and lonely but I'm still glad I have great friends. But now I think I know who my true friends are. I thought someone was my friend but it seems like "it" made me feel worse about myself, made me cry, not care about me WHAT SO EVER, and I don't understand who "it" is.
This weekend was fun though. I have to say I learned a lot, yet I was in a lot of pain. physically and mentally. I just wish I REALLY could cry in front of someone b/c I don't think anyone has TRULY seen me cry. All I need is A BIG HUG and a nice talk.

Districts and all the people who have the hero inside them =]

CONGRATULATIONS FOR THE NATIONAL QUALIFIERS IN FORENSICS!!!
I really am happy for you guys!
The song they played during the awards kind of hit me.
Is there really a hero in me? Is there really a hero that is going to come and save me?
I've been pondering about that today after the tournament. Well, my friends are my heroes so they always save me, but I need to save myself sometimes. I don't think I have the strength inside to face the world alone. I need to step up though. Again, am I just that late bloomer and that I just haven't found the hero in myself yet or what? That also leads to confidence. I have a very low esteem and I know I need to bring it to a high level but not too high. How does it feel like to be successful, to be proud of yourself, to be happy, to feel that you are worth something, to feel important, to feel that you are good at something? I really don't know how that feels. Can someone tell me b/c I would like to know.
Next year hope I will get to experience all those things. Because hoping is all I can do right now. I can't wait for the world to change, I just have to change it myself. So for everyone out there who are going to NATIONALS you guys are all my hero =] proud of you. Wish I could have the strength, the motivation, the talent, and everything else. Not just the people who are going to nationals but all my friends are all my heroes because they stick with me even though i am like this. I wish you HEROES with all my heart to have a GREAT weekend!!

The Late Bloomer... or not...

Today was States.... hmmm.. should have gone to computer science... maybe that way I would have like I gotten somewhere.
I've been really pessimistic lately.. more like always... or is it just me that no one ever gives me a second glance. They just glance and walk away like I'm not there. I say hi but they talk to the girl behind me who was, of course, prettier, nicer, had that SELF-CONFIDENCE which the guy liked. I don't know why I don't have this so called SELF-CONFIDENCE. I really wish I could. But ever since I was young, I was always judged on how I look and first impressions are pretty important. Yes, I am a little on the chubby side... and a lot of guys go straight to the pretty girls to talk to first then gradually go on to us... the not so pretty girls. Often happens at tournaments.
I've lost all the self-confidence because I always seem to not succeed in what I try. Yes I know PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.. and my mom always says don't judge yourself just because someone didn't try and did something PERFECTLY that you could do that too. But why are they so lucky? Where do they get this talent?
Am I just a late bloomer? Have I not realized this MAGICAL TALENT THAT I HAVE YET? Well FREAKING HURRY UP AND BLOOM!!! Because maybe THAT might boost my self-confidence. Or I can tell my parents to STFU about my weight... but again.. I'm passive and scared of everything. Everyone around me seem to have a talent of something like being smart, being a great speaker, being a nice person, and EVERYTHING ELSE. Why am I not the lucky one? I was probably just a mix-up... maybe I was supposed to be born as a PIG. There goes again with my pessimism.
Oh and I also have another problem... being selfless. The not being confident part makes me feel that maybe I can gain confidence if I help people... well in some situations yes but I get to the point where I would give my life to the dead so they can enjoy their life they were supposed to have and maybe that 9 year old kid could have been happier. Yes that kid is happy now but maybe with his father around he could have been happier. We never know.
I've noticed guys tend to go for my friends. I mean it is great for my friends and all but I just end up lonely because your friend has guys, your other friend has guys, your other other friends has guys, and YOU have nothing but your computer and a book. Books are good, but they don't tend to flirt back... neither does MY computer. You might have guys online that are flirting with you but again those are my friends. I have Facebook and watch everyone flirt with each other or I can watch Bleach or something else instead.
Also friends I have a problem with those. My friends have better friends or more important friends that are more FUN AND HAPPY to talk to unlike me. I have a problem with trusting people. I never do even if they were my close friend. Some of my secrets aren't shared with my best friend because she wouldn't understand. People could relate to this but not to the point where I am... if you are one of them PLEASE talk to me(only if you like sad talk). I don't understand myself at all.. what so ever... why is that? I am a late bloomer aren't I? Not knowing who I am .. WOW... that is stupid..
My brain isn't so great, neither is my body, and neither is my face. But when your friend's brain, body, and face are great guys go for her. I have to say I get JEALOUS... SOOO JEALOUS. I'm always jealous and it kills me. It hurts me and it hurts my friend. This TRUE EVIL thing of jealousy is nuts. You wish you could have those boobs, butt, that hair, face, body, brians, and mostly PERSONALITY. But being fake isn't a good thing either.
I hope soon I can find who I want to be and who I am. And I hope that blossom into a cactus... haha j/k at least a decent FLOWER something that POPS or eye-catching or absolutely beautiful just as itself. So if you are just like me and seem to be a late bloomer let's face the sun and soak in the rain and be that BEAUTIFUL flower.