My favorite thing to do at night......... is look at the stars. Sounds so....idk how to describe it, but it is. My dream house is going to have a glass ceiling so I can just see the stars. I'm awake driving home at 12 am thinking to myself WOW the stars are GORGEOUS tonight. I stand outside for awhile just looking at them. Looking for Orion's belt, the bigger dipper, the little dipper, and other constellations I know.
This year, 2008, has been like a nagreboshi this year. What is a nagareboshil? It is shooting star in Japanese. It has gone by super fast. Seems all like a blur. Yet full of wishes. I've been wishing a lot this year. One of my good friends asked me what my New Years resolutions were. I replied I really don't have one. She asked me why? and I replied I don't know. It ended right there. I wish for simple things yet those are small, but a new years resolution, I didn't know what to do. Yeah the usual do better in school, work harder, lose 20lbs, those kind of things but those are the same each year and this is A NEW YEARS resolution. I guess my new years resolution is to understand. This year especially has been a confusing year. Full of questions and not understanding any of our school work.
Like my old post, I'm always driving along on the road watching how everything is going by super fast. The stars, the trees, the houses, the other cars, and most of all myself. It doesn't seem like I'm moving yet the outside is moving like crazy. This feeling of speed isn't what I wanted in 2008. I feel more crushed for more time. I need to figure out who I am still. I need to figure out what I want to be. If I don't get this soon, how am I supposed to figure out a major. I've been emotionally weak this year. I thought I was getting a little stronger but yet I'm not. I haven't been crying but....... I feel more lost.
Take a step outside, look up, and look at the stars. They stay still. Just that one moment. It felt like time stopped. Just me and my wishes. I haven't seen a nagareboshi before but at that moment I felt like one. A shooting star flying through the night. No where to go, rarely seen, and yet shines.....
Happy (early) New Year and have a great 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
WHAT A DAY!!!!!!
Lucky me!!
Today I felt really lucky! A lot of trouble with my friend and bad things happening to her. I always feel like I can put some of her trouble on me to be a good friend. Yet, all I can seem to do is say I'm sorry, I hope you feel better, It is ok. What can I do?!?!
I was reading this passage for the SAT >.< and it was talking about how one girl says OMGAH I forgot to take my pills to show that she has a disease. She likes the attention, yet she gets it using subtle clues. The narrator also wanted that disease so she could get the attention also. I understood her feeling because I've always wanted that too. Yet, I usually want to take the pain away from my friend. When my friend got into a wreck and hurt her mom, I wish I could have been her, so she doesn't have to be in that pain. Yet, I wanted to be in some wreck so I can understand her feelings. So I can be a better friend..... I've always wanted really crazy boy problems, so I can understand my friend when she has trouble with her bf. I do sound selfish..... but I want to be a good friend, and I hate seeing people suffer. I've been really lucky......I have...... I really haven't suffered. I feel really fortunate. Listening to people's stories.... I feel really really really fortunate. Yet, deep down I want a challenge. The only challenge I seem to have is school work....ok...... maybe the challenge of loving myself first.
All the people out there reading my blog, I'm here for you! You can talk to me about anything... I might not give the best advice because I probably haven't gone through a lot of things you have, but I can try. I will try to give you the best advice I have. And of course, my parents aren't going to read this, but I'm lucky to still have them beside me all healthy and happy =D
I will blog soon about NEW YEARS!!!!!
Today I felt really lucky! A lot of trouble with my friend and bad things happening to her. I always feel like I can put some of her trouble on me to be a good friend. Yet, all I can seem to do is say I'm sorry, I hope you feel better, It is ok. What can I do?!?!
I was reading this passage for the SAT >.< and it was talking about how one girl says OMGAH I forgot to take my pills to show that she has a disease. She likes the attention, yet she gets it using subtle clues. The narrator also wanted that disease so she could get the attention also. I understood her feeling because I've always wanted that too. Yet, I usually want to take the pain away from my friend. When my friend got into a wreck and hurt her mom, I wish I could have been her, so she doesn't have to be in that pain. Yet, I wanted to be in some wreck so I can understand her feelings. So I can be a better friend..... I've always wanted really crazy boy problems, so I can understand my friend when she has trouble with her bf. I do sound selfish..... but I want to be a good friend, and I hate seeing people suffer. I've been really lucky......I have...... I really haven't suffered. I feel really fortunate. Listening to people's stories.... I feel really really really fortunate. Yet, deep down I want a challenge. The only challenge I seem to have is school work....ok...... maybe the challenge of loving myself first.
All the people out there reading my blog, I'm here for you! You can talk to me about anything... I might not give the best advice because I probably haven't gone through a lot of things you have, but I can try. I will try to give you the best advice I have. And of course, my parents aren't going to read this, but I'm lucky to still have them beside me all healthy and happy =D
I will blog soon about NEW YEARS!!!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas is coming soon!!!!
So I'm awake at 2 am with my SAT practice test book open......
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?
This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.
2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging
my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything
Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!
Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?
This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.
2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging
my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything
Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!
Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
STRESS!!
Lately, school is getting tougher. More work, more studying, and more busy work. *sigh* Again I'm supposed to be doing all these things, but I need to blog before I do. I've been really confused lately. Just with myself. School work is obvious, but what worries me is I'm confused about myself. Yeah, I thought I went through the identity thing already. But Idk have I?
I look around and see people that are truly confused about their identity LIKE ME! But others who have found their true identity. And yes, I am totally jealous. I wish I could do that. Tell everyone who I am and what describes me. Ok. I'm Japanese, and I'm 5 foot 3. I mean those things I can describe, but my character. Am I funny?trustworthy?understanding? And filling out those sheets about what describes is REALLY hard for me because I don't know. Does my character fit with what other people see? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had a guide for life. Yet I don't even know the true meaning of life.
That totally reminds me of a book I was reading over the summer. It is about a boy who is turning 13 soon and his dad had passed away, but he left him a gift which had the meaning of life in it. These experiences you go through every day truly help find the meaning of life. I've learned some things that make up the meaning of life. Yet I don't fully know it. Today, I've learned that I can get mad REALLY REALLY easily, which is bad to me............and hopefully that will make me a better person or at least the ideal person that I want to be.
So I understand how being confused feels, but is it wrong? I just feel empty inside. I see the cup of life half full yet I feel empty. well.... hopefully I can understand all this before I die
BUT FIRST I MUST FINISH MY HOMEWORK!!!!!!
good night and I love you all =D
I look around and see people that are truly confused about their identity LIKE ME! But others who have found their true identity. And yes, I am totally jealous. I wish I could do that. Tell everyone who I am and what describes me. Ok. I'm Japanese, and I'm 5 foot 3. I mean those things I can describe, but my character. Am I funny?trustworthy?understanding? And filling out those sheets about what describes is REALLY hard for me because I don't know. Does my character fit with what other people see? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had a guide for life. Yet I don't even know the true meaning of life.
That totally reminds me of a book I was reading over the summer. It is about a boy who is turning 13 soon and his dad had passed away, but he left him a gift which had the meaning of life in it. These experiences you go through every day truly help find the meaning of life. I've learned some things that make up the meaning of life. Yet I don't fully know it. Today, I've learned that I can get mad REALLY REALLY easily, which is bad to me............and hopefully that will make me a better person or at least the ideal person that I want to be.
So I understand how being confused feels, but is it wrong? I just feel empty inside. I see the cup of life half full yet I feel empty. well.... hopefully I can understand all this before I die
BUT FIRST I MUST FINISH MY HOMEWORK!!!!!!
good night and I love you all =D
Monday, October 27, 2008
I need a map
So today I was driving back from school thinking about how the day went. It was alright. I was still doing bad in my classes, can't seem to focus, but I was getting through it all. The end of the school I was just proud of myself to get past each day. While I was driving I saw a road that could probably lead to a shortcut, but I don't know unless I have a map. I didn't take the risk of getting lost because I didn't have a map.
Is that way people don't take risks, take shortcuts, and just do everyday routine things? People are just lost...... don't know the way so don't know different ways to solve the problem or different ways to get there. I was lost today. Especially doing chemistry study guide, but mostly myself. Who am I, am I important, what is the point of living, what can I do? I was just plain lost. Didn't know where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Getting through the day was the only road I knew. Is everyone lost? Or is it just me? Why do we feel lost? These questions that run through my mind never get answered but rise up more questions? Leading to more confusion. It is like getting lost first and then turning a random right turn and get even more lost and turning a left and.... yea. no ending...... In a map all roads end, but some connect to other roads, but those eventually end. Does the end of the road mean end of life or meeting your goal in life? I would take it as a meeting the goal in life, but if you don't know what your goal is then, there is no road.
Does my life contain roads or do we find them as we live? I do have a goal but it is so small and if I try hard I can reach it, but these goals are so close to the present. One of them is to pass my AP US HISTORY class with a A! not doing so well with that one..... but I'm still trying. I get lost on my way though worrying about other school work. You wish someone could help you to draw your map and help you find the way to your happiness. Friends...... good ones are so hard to find... I have some, but are they truly my friend? Do they talk behind my back? Do they think they are better than me? Do they compete against me? Are these things friends should be thinking about another friend or doing? I don't know. Again I'm lost in what a true friend is. So don't ask me if I'm your friend b/c I don't know.
So I'm here blogging about maps and being lost and crap like that, again lost in what I'm going to say. I really do need a map... maybe Dora can help me......
Is that way people don't take risks, take shortcuts, and just do everyday routine things? People are just lost...... don't know the way so don't know different ways to solve the problem or different ways to get there. I was lost today. Especially doing chemistry study guide, but mostly myself. Who am I, am I important, what is the point of living, what can I do? I was just plain lost. Didn't know where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Getting through the day was the only road I knew. Is everyone lost? Or is it just me? Why do we feel lost? These questions that run through my mind never get answered but rise up more questions? Leading to more confusion. It is like getting lost first and then turning a random right turn and get even more lost and turning a left and.... yea. no ending...... In a map all roads end, but some connect to other roads, but those eventually end. Does the end of the road mean end of life or meeting your goal in life? I would take it as a meeting the goal in life, but if you don't know what your goal is then, there is no road.
Does my life contain roads or do we find them as we live? I do have a goal but it is so small and if I try hard I can reach it, but these goals are so close to the present. One of them is to pass my AP US HISTORY class with a A! not doing so well with that one..... but I'm still trying. I get lost on my way though worrying about other school work. You wish someone could help you to draw your map and help you find the way to your happiness. Friends...... good ones are so hard to find... I have some, but are they truly my friend? Do they talk behind my back? Do they think they are better than me? Do they compete against me? Are these things friends should be thinking about another friend or doing? I don't know. Again I'm lost in what a true friend is. So don't ask me if I'm your friend b/c I don't know.
So I'm here blogging about maps and being lost and crap like that, again lost in what I'm going to say. I really do need a map... maybe Dora can help me......
Sunday, September 21, 2008
friendship.... love......hate.....history.....
I'm up at 1 30 blogging and staring at my blank sheet of paper.... or WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY AP US HISTORY ESSAY.... yet.. I can't write anything. I can't analyze history. I don't understand history. I don't even understand why I don't understand history. I never really liked it.. maybe it is because I hate my past or past in general. In the back of my head, I want to ask for help, but I have to do this by myself. No one is going to help me out there.
Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.
Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.
When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......
<333 Reina
Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.
Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.
When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......
<333 Reina
Sunday, September 7, 2008
whispers
*psst psst psst* I hear it walking down the hall. I hold my books tighter hoping they aren't talking about me. Walking as quickly as I can and keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me, so I don't trip. At last I made it to my class. Good no one isn't here I can take a little break from all those evil glares I get. Are they talking about me? Do they hate me? Why am I the one being talked about?
I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.
I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.
People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!
I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!
WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.
<3 you guys!!
I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.
I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.
People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!
I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!
WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.
<3 you guys!!
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