Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The year of a nagreboshi

My favorite thing to do at night......... is look at the stars. Sounds so....idk how to describe it, but it is. My dream house is going to have a glass ceiling so I can just see the stars. I'm awake driving home at 12 am thinking to myself WOW the stars are GORGEOUS tonight. I stand outside for awhile just looking at them. Looking for Orion's belt, the bigger dipper, the little dipper, and other constellations I know.

This year, 2008, has been like a nagreboshi this year. What is a nagareboshil? It is shooting star in Japanese. It has gone by super fast. Seems all like a blur. Yet full of wishes. I've been wishing a lot this year. One of my good friends asked me what my New Years resolutions were. I replied I really don't have one. She asked me why? and I replied I don't know. It ended right there. I wish for simple things yet those are small, but a new years resolution, I didn't know what to do. Yeah the usual do better in school, work harder, lose 20lbs, those kind of things but those are the same each year and this is A NEW YEARS resolution. I guess my new years resolution is to understand. This year especially has been a confusing year. Full of questions and not understanding any of our school work.

Like my old post, I'm always driving along on the road watching how everything is going by super fast. The stars, the trees, the houses, the other cars, and most of all myself. It doesn't seem like I'm moving yet the outside is moving like crazy. This feeling of speed isn't what I wanted in 2008. I feel more crushed for more time. I need to figure out who I am still. I need to figure out what I want to be. If I don't get this soon, how am I supposed to figure out a major. I've been emotionally weak this year. I thought I was getting a little stronger but yet I'm not. I haven't been crying but....... I feel more lost.

Take a step outside, look up, and look at the stars. They stay still. Just that one moment. It felt like time stopped. Just me and my wishes. I haven't seen a nagareboshi before but at that moment I felt like one. A shooting star flying through the night. No where to go, rarely seen, and yet shines.....

Happy (early) New Year and have a great 2009

Saturday, December 27, 2008

WHAT A DAY!!!!!!

Lucky me!!
Today I felt really lucky! A lot of trouble with my friend and bad things happening to her. I always feel like I can put some of her trouble on me to be a good friend. Yet, all I can seem to do is say I'm sorry, I hope you feel better, It is ok. What can I do?!?!

I was reading this passage for the SAT >.< and it was talking about how one girl says OMGAH I forgot to take my pills to show that she has a disease. She likes the attention, yet she gets it using subtle clues. The narrator also wanted that disease so she could get the attention also. I understood her feeling because I've always wanted that too. Yet, I usually want to take the pain away from my friend. When my friend got into a wreck and hurt her mom, I wish I could have been her, so she doesn't have to be in that pain. Yet, I wanted to be in some wreck so I can understand her feelings. So I can be a better friend..... I've always wanted really crazy boy problems, so I can understand my friend when she has trouble with her bf. I do sound selfish..... but I want to be a good friend, and I hate seeing people suffer. I've been really lucky......I have...... I really haven't suffered. I feel really fortunate. Listening to people's stories.... I feel really really really fortunate. Yet, deep down I want a challenge. The only challenge I seem to have is school work....ok...... maybe the challenge of loving myself first.

All the people out there reading my blog, I'm here for you! You can talk to me about anything... I might not give the best advice because I probably haven't gone through a lot of things you have, but I can try. I will try to give you the best advice I have. And of course, my parents aren't going to read this, but I'm lucky to still have them beside me all healthy and happy =D

I will blog soon about NEW YEARS!!!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas is coming soon!!!!

So I'm awake at 2 am with my SAT practice test book open......
thinking..... listening to music.........
I'm again confused with myself and the world. This year something is different about Christmas. It doesn't feel happy. I come back to school with some few gifts in my hand, but yet I was confused about why I didn't give any gifts this year before Christmas. I feel like school has really pulled me away from all this excitement. Really sad I know but it has. I'm here during my break studying for the SAT.
My grades are failing this year. Literally! I feel so stupid... I don't know why but I do. Lately I think to myself why study so hard? What is out there that makes me want to study harder? I want to know. I'm curious, yet being the coward I am, I don't want to get out there. I really don't know what my goals are. I have goals for my junior year, but with college, jobs, and just in the long run I don't know what to do. All I want is happiness, yet sitting here studying for the SAT isn't really happiness to me. Should I suffer now and be happy later? Or should I enjoy the moment of being a teen and go party? but yet.... in the future I won't be smart enough to get a job. These things scare me. Everyday, every moment, every second I waste, may lead to me not having a job, but will I be happy with that?

This year, I've pushed my friends away and I haven't really talked to them, and it makes me sad. Looking back I really miss those moments camera whoring with a friend, eating bean dip at 4 in the morning, crying about senior's leaving at Horizons, ice skating, watching random youtube videos, acting like tofu, talking on aim about random crap like whale penises, and most of all just having fun and not worrying about anything. Not caring about wasting our time talking about random sex topics, but just enjoying the moment. Lately, I haven't done that. Just enjoying. Where did this all go? Why can't I enjoy anything anymore? Fear is getting to me. Creeping up and taking away all my fun.

2 am
SAT practice test book open
listening to Don't Forget by Demi Lovato
and blogging

my regret.........my pleasure..........my friend..........my shrink..........my everything

Christmas is coming soon!! So let's enjoy every moment of it! Enjoy your family, your friends, and most of all enjoy being yourself!!!

Hope everyone has great holiday!!!!!!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

STRESS!!

Lately, school is getting tougher. More work, more studying, and more busy work. *sigh* Again I'm supposed to be doing all these things, but I need to blog before I do. I've been really confused lately. Just with myself. School work is obvious, but what worries me is I'm confused about myself. Yeah, I thought I went through the identity thing already. But Idk have I?

I look around and see people that are truly confused about their identity LIKE ME! But others who have found their true identity. And yes, I am totally jealous. I wish I could do that. Tell everyone who I am and what describes me. Ok. I'm Japanese, and I'm 5 foot 3. I mean those things I can describe, but my character. Am I funny?trustworthy?understanding? And filling out those sheets about what describes is REALLY hard for me because I don't know. Does my character fit with what other people see? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had a guide for life. Yet I don't even know the true meaning of life.

That totally reminds me of a book I was reading over the summer. It is about a boy who is turning 13 soon and his dad had passed away, but he left him a gift which had the meaning of life in it. These experiences you go through every day truly help find the meaning of life. I've learned some things that make up the meaning of life. Yet I don't fully know it. Today, I've learned that I can get mad REALLY REALLY easily, which is bad to me............and hopefully that will make me a better person or at least the ideal person that I want to be.

So I understand how being confused feels, but is it wrong? I just feel empty inside. I see the cup of life half full yet I feel empty. well.... hopefully I can understand all this before I die

BUT FIRST I MUST FINISH MY HOMEWORK!!!!!!
good night and I love you all =D

Monday, October 27, 2008

I need a map

So today I was driving back from school thinking about how the day went. It was alright. I was still doing bad in my classes, can't seem to focus, but I was getting through it all. The end of the school I was just proud of myself to get past each day. While I was driving I saw a road that could probably lead to a shortcut, but I don't know unless I have a map. I didn't take the risk of getting lost because I didn't have a map.
Is that way people don't take risks, take shortcuts, and just do everyday routine things? People are just lost...... don't know the way so don't know different ways to solve the problem or different ways to get there. I was lost today. Especially doing chemistry study guide, but mostly myself. Who am I, am I important, what is the point of living, what can I do? I was just plain lost. Didn't know where to go, what to do, and how to do it. Getting through the day was the only road I knew. Is everyone lost? Or is it just me? Why do we feel lost? These questions that run through my mind never get answered but rise up more questions? Leading to more confusion. It is like getting lost first and then turning a random right turn and get even more lost and turning a left and.... yea. no ending...... In a map all roads end, but some connect to other roads, but those eventually end. Does the end of the road mean end of life or meeting your goal in life? I would take it as a meeting the goal in life, but if you don't know what your goal is then, there is no road.
Does my life contain roads or do we find them as we live? I do have a goal but it is so small and if I try hard I can reach it, but these goals are so close to the present. One of them is to pass my AP US HISTORY class with a A! not doing so well with that one..... but I'm still trying. I get lost on my way though worrying about other school work. You wish someone could help you to draw your map and help you find the way to your happiness. Friends...... good ones are so hard to find... I have some, but are they truly my friend? Do they talk behind my back? Do they think they are better than me? Do they compete against me? Are these things friends should be thinking about another friend or doing? I don't know. Again I'm lost in what a true friend is. So don't ask me if I'm your friend b/c I don't know.
So I'm here blogging about maps and being lost and crap like that, again lost in what I'm going to say. I really do need a map... maybe Dora can help me......

Sunday, September 21, 2008

friendship.... love......hate.....history.....

I'm up at 1 30 blogging and staring at my blank sheet of paper.... or WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY AP US HISTORY ESSAY.... yet.. I can't write anything. I can't analyze history. I don't understand history. I don't even understand why I don't understand history. I never really liked it.. maybe it is because I hate my past or past in general. In the back of my head, I want to ask for help, but I have to do this by myself. No one is going to help me out there.

Speaking about helping. I thought about my friends. I have great ones that stay up till 1 30 doing homework with me and ones that sign off because they need their sleep. I have friends that don't even go online or even HAVE a blog (which I think is stupid because EVERYONE needs a blog right?!?!) It feels like I lost all my friends though. I wonder if it is because I lost myself. School work especially is really killing my self confidence and increasing my stress level by... idk 10000000. I really do have friends though. Well, maybe I'm just thinking that. What are friends anyways? What is the fine line between friends and lovers? I sit outside at 10 pm, drinking some herb tea and thinking about all these things. Friendship is important to me, yet without them I'm stressed. Without them it feels like I have 100 lbs of rice on my shoulders. Yet talking to one of them gets rid of 80% of those worries, stress, and sadness. When someone takes a friend away from you, you have to carry those bags of rice all over again. But is this how you are supposed to feel when a friend is gone? Or is it when your love is gone? But then again I don't have a love, so I guess it is a friend. I really don't understand.

Not understanding this situation makes everything confusing. School work becomes harder to understand. Ugh... I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be optimistic, yet I don't understand why I can't be. Those relaxing moments I get sitting outside on my porch make me super happy, yet they only last till my cup of tea is gone. Then I have to kick myself back inside to do some homework. Why so much work? I have about 80 more years left of life, yet teachers give you so much work in 1 year. Does giving me this much work make me successful? What makes me successful? Does answering test questions, writing essays, speaking correct English, or being able to find the derivitive of x squared plus 6x help in the real world? What is the real world?
I keep on asking questions yet no one can seem to answer them. I figure out the little bits and pieces of life yet I come back with a billion more questions to figure out.

When I was little my question was, why is the sky blue? Now it is what is the meaning of life to me? I still have to figure that out. OR is there even a meaning to life? I still haven't figure out who I am, who my true friends are, or what I am going to be. But I sure have figured out more questions to life. WELL back to my blank sheet of paper and hopefully I can write something down......

<333 Reina

Sunday, September 7, 2008

whispers

*psst psst psst* I hear it walking down the hall. I hold my books tighter hoping they aren't talking about me. Walking as quickly as I can and keeping my eyes on the floor in front of me, so I don't trip. At last I made it to my class. Good no one isn't here I can take a little break from all those evil glares I get. Are they talking about me? Do they hate me? Why am I the one being talked about?

I hate school sometimes. Walking around being looked at and talked about. People whispering about how fat I am or how bitchy I am. I hate that, yet is it true? Do those views of people really reflect of how I am seen. Well according to the BMI index chart I am overweight but not obese. So mathematically I am fat. But I don't care. I'm trying to lose at least 30 to 40 lbs. That is why I am taking tennis. I'm not good at all and I get mad and frustrated when I can't do well compared to everyone. Why am I on the tennis team if I can't play tennis? I don't understand either. I thought I understood myself but then more complications started to arise and I lost myself somewhere in that pile of stuff. I'm still digging to find it. And the hole seems to never end.

I really need to chant because everytime I chant I feel much better and I end up figuring out what to do. I could be chanting instead of blogging but after this I have chemistry homework, biology test to study for, and I HAVE TO MEMORIZE MY ORIGINAL ORATORY!!!!!! I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to accomplish these things. I waste my time blogging and talking to people which are so much fun. I wish I could have a happy free life. I love how my OO is about optimism yet right now I'm so pessimistic. I'm REALLY excited for Wake Forest, yet i'm not ready for it. I've never felt truly ready for something. What is it to feel ready. READY GET SET GO!!!! I'm not ready how can I go if i'm not.

People talk about me behind my back. How do I feel about that? I don't know. I hate it, yet I don't want people to say it in my face because I would probably break down in front of them. I cry way too much but I can't stop. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I've been strong before but maybe that was because I didn't have any problems. But I'm not anymore. I'm as weak as rice paper..... AHAHAHAHA SO ASIAN!!!!!!!

I'm glad though I get to understand where I'm at emotionally. I'm glad I have friends that help me get to know myself better. Yet, this is hard time for me, it helps me build my strong little heart and maybe just maybe next time I will be able to handle this without a tear. Maybe just maybe I can be as strong as I can be and people will see that I am!!!

WELL!!!! back to school work. Good luck you people who are struggling with life or work. You can do it!!! I know you can!!!! So let's be strong together and we can be able to face our little bumps in our life rollercoaster.

<3 you guys!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!

I've seen the UGHH SCHOOL WAS A DRAG 179 days left of it THANK GOD!!!! and I've also seen YAY!!!! TODAY WAS AN AMAZING FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

I look at it this way and maybe people who had a bad day of school today, this might help. Today I loved seeing my friends and that is what made it a great day for me. I love learning about people and see how much they have changed, grew up, and learn more about themselves. I just find that AMAZING!!!! I love people because they seem to fascinate and how they think. If you think things are awkward well did you ever think that it is just you that is awkward? Maybe you are just awkward and you are making it awkward. Look at it differently or do something that makes it not awkward. I had my awkward moments at school today too!!!! But those little moments made me feel different yet I forget and keep on going with a BIG smile on my face and knowing that I'm going to try my best to have a GREAT day at school.

I had a moment at school where everyone seemed to be grouped and talking together while I was being a nice person and talking to this new student about our school. Try to keep the new kid some company. I felt really LEFT out of everyone's conversation and right then and there I felt like I didn't belong here. But you know what I just pushed it to the side and just looked forward to the rest of the day. The rooms were crowded with soo many students and couldn't find some room, teachers wouldnt' let me use the bathroom but you know what made my day?
Just seeing the faces of my friends. Some looked dreadful b/c it was the first day of school, some had that "fake" smile on their faces so their friends wouldn't be put down on the OMGAH TODAY WAS AN AMAZING DAY!!!!, some actually were truly happy to be at school, and some were mad at the new rules and so on. I hate seeing people who had a bad day at school b/c of thing like feeling awkward or like idk someone stole their wallet or they shoved them in a locker. If I got shoved in a locker, I prob would hate my first day of school but you know what I've never been shoved in a locker so I wouldn't really know.



So on the first day of school, I got to see my 2010 class's faces. They had all these expressions on their faces yet I was happy even though some faces were sad-ish. You know why? Because I was just GLAD to see them. For you kids out there who had a bad first day of school, just have a great one tomorrow. You have many other days to have ONE good day of school. School is for education and for me, it is to see my lovely classmates faces and talk to them. I might have a bad day here and there but for me to make it better I must make it better and see the next day as a new day and not let a bad day yesterday hold me back. Because I'm me. Just look forward to a great day and even if it is bad look forward to a great day tomorrow!!!


WOO 2ND DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW! HOPE IT IS GOOD!111

Saturday, August 16, 2008

NOW I REALLY FEEL OLD!!!!!

So on August 15th, my friends decided to throw me a SURPRISE 16th birthday party even though my birthday was a little over a month ago. It just made me realize how fast life has gone by. I mean I remember going to freshman camp meeting a Japanese speaking WHITE boy. I was pretty scared, but I thought that was amazing. A lot of stuff happened throughout my 16 years of living so far. I mean SO MANY memories and I can't believe that in about 2 more years these friends that threw my surprise party will be going to a different school.


So I will tell you about my 16 years so far. First I was born... OBVIOUSLY!! And since this is on the web I can't say where and what day but anyways. Then I had like a million babysitters since my parents were in the restaurant business. Elementary school was kind of boring. No drama, no guys, and just pure innocence. Middle school was the killer year. My friends were AMAZING and I wish some went to my high school. Middle school was the year of teasing and same with the end of elementary. The typical Asian jokes...... YOU KNOW! Well, then we have HIGH SCHOOL!!!! My freshman year WAS BEASTLY!!!!! That was the BEST year in my life so far. Everyone seemed happy with each other and there wasn't much grouping. Of course that year I had my first boyfriend. But on top of that just hanging out with everyone with no problems was the best part. And then Sophomore year everyone kind of drifted apart and grouping and actually didn't seem to enjoy life. Kind of dead-ish, I guess you could say. I studied hard that year and luckily passed my exams. But OH MAN I wish I could go back to freshman year. My friends are still amazing but freshman year, idk, they just seemed HAPPIER. And being me I love seeing happy. I really do and hopefully senior year everyone will be happy.


This is a very bad summary of my life. But I really enjoyed it and I still will. I will have problems on the way and get sad here and there. But I really don't want to regret anything. Yet I do but OH WELL. So people who are reading this.... PLEASE enjoy your life because I've enjoyed mine and I still will. Work your butt off but have fun doing it. Make a lot friends, party hard, and relax because the ride isn't over just yet and probably not even starting. I hope everyone had a nice summer because....... to tell you the truth....... SCHOOL is about to start
>.<

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

GARY WANTS ME TO BLOG!!!!!!

teehee!!!! i love you GFAN!!!! anyways!!!! So, lately I've been chilling, relaxing, you know the typical summer thing to do. Well...... summer is almost over and I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED SO MUCH TIME DOING NOTHING!!!! *sigh* Oh well.... it has been an amazing summer. I learned a lot about myself and realized a lot of things that was bad about me. I decided to change for the good. I became more positive. This is pretty hard to tell you the truth. Problems with friends, school work (since I'm a junior now), and just the stress with life. I went to a Buddhist conference and I had a conversation with nice guy over there. He didn't have a faith to go to when he was in trouble and I felt bad that I always did and I never really used my faith when I was in trouble. I never really liked religion because of how many complications it brings to the world. But maybe just maybe this might be a little different. Maybe I can chant everyday and maybe life might get better I really don't know. Can life get easier just by having faith in a religion? I was really happy when the adults that stayed with me said that I had a nice head on my shoulders and I was going on the right road. What is the right road anyways? I was kind of happy yet confused when they told me this. I thought I was the crazy one who didn't know WHAT THE CRAP was going on yet they said I had a good head on my shoulders. Yeah, lately I've been really happy and optimistic about how I view life but from an adult I felt happy. It feels amazing. I realized how unhappy I was and how unhappy it made people feel and making people feel unhappy was HORRIBLE. I love making people happy yet not being happy myself was making other people unhappy. I didn't realize it until one note from 2 years ago kicked me back in the butt. Well, at least I've changed for the better. So far only a few people have noticed. but I want the people I'm close to really notice and hopefully I can make them feel happier and better about themselves b/c that is what friends are for =]

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Summer 08

It is SUMMER!!! YAY!! In the beginning I didn't do much, but then I went to EUROPE!! I went to Rome, Italy then Paris, France. It was TONS of fun. We went to the top of Eiffel Tower, went to the Louvre, went to Pompeii, and other places that I can't think of/I'm to lazy to list. I bought a lot of stuff and used A LOT of money. I can't believe the dollar is so weak. I haven't learned any life shocking lessons except to make sure that one doesn't spend A LOT OF money especially in Europe. I have been practicing my driving and I'm really nervous getting my license because I don't want to fail or anything. Why is it that I'm so afraid of failing? Is failing bad? I really don't understand. At my school, failing can mean getting a C, but it will all depend on the person. Does that mean my expectations are low? I really don't know. I have been studying for the SAT. I really don't know how well I want to do. Yes I want to make a perfect score, but am I capable of that. Is my brain able to hold all this information or is it able to function like that? I'm really lost about myself and maybe studying for the SAT more can figure out how big my brain can expand. Well I guess that is it for now. Back to rewatching code geass and talking to friends on AIM!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Ending Sophomore year

I survived another year!! YAY!!! I'm proud of myself for passing every single class! =]....
Well this year for me has been a mess. It seems like this year was the year of pain yet it was one of my favorite years because I learned so much. I've made new friends and I got closer to other ones. Horizons, MUN, and YIG, imo, were the best part of my sophomore year. I learned so much and sort of felt like I belonged. At school everyday, I sit there, smile, and look like I'm happy and sometimes I am. I really think this fake smile is getting old. I'm tired of it, but yet I can't seem to stop because people will ask what is wrong. I wish I had someone there to rub my back and say it is ok. I have friends but man I wish I had someone special. I'm not patient as usual. >.< I'm really glad I had my friends this year because these amazing people were the ones that helped me through my sophomore year and keep myself standing on my own two feet. Junior year is going to be a killer and I won't be able to blog that much, but I hope I can make it through.

This summer I'M GOING TO EUROPE (FRANCE AND ITALY)
I'm so excited because it is my first time going to Europe. I hope no one tries to steal anything from me. I get to room with my friends which make it so much better. This summer I want to take tennis lessons, volunteer for CAS hours, party, get my license, and many more.

My birthday... meh.... probably not going to do anything since I usually don't maybe just go to lunch with some friends and spend the night and go downtown on july 4th to see fireworks but nothing that special. I get a car and get to go to Europe, so I'm happy enough with that.

My biggest goal this summer is to lose 20 pounds. That may seem a lot, but I really want to lose it and begin my junior year FRESH! It is going to be hard since I'm going to Europe but I can try. I've been trying to lose weight for the past couple of years yet I seem to not have the motivation and I really don't know what can be my motivation. Guys liking me more... but that is really stupid because I want guys to like for who I am and not how I look. I think this will boost my self confidence which I'm lacking.

Well that is all for my sophomore year.
HAVE A GREAT END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR EVERYONE =]

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Love, jealousy, and BEING TIRED

Sometimes when I'm walking by myself, thoughts run through my head constantly. Recently stuff has happened between my friends and I just wished sometimes they focus off of that and really look at what is going on. People seem to be looking at only certain people and I just wished that they look over here. LIKE WAVE MY HAND AND SAY HELLO?!?!?! ANYONE NOTICE THAT I'M CRYING?
yet they look at other people and think they are more important. I love my friends for caring about me but I wish they could JUST STUFF me with cotton, rainbows, and hearts to make me feel truly loved.
It seems like I'm wanting attention and I do, but I don't want to SHOW the whole world that I want attention. For example, like sitting by myself, or crying in front of people, or not talking. I still FAKE myself being happy. I always try to smile and keep that energy going. It makes other people happier to see me happy. Yet, I've always wanted someone who can see RIGHT through that and ask what is wrong even when I am smiling like crazy.
Also I've been reading this manga called School Days. Where because of jealousy people end up dying. I guess deep down sometimes I do want to kill people to make all this suffering and pain go away, but I will never do such a thing because a) it is just cruel b) too scared c) not right d) and just plain sick. We do such evil things because of jealousy and it is horrible. I really do hate it sometimes. The so called "monster" is still here and I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED OF MONSTERS.
What is seriously happening to me? Is the monster eating me from the inside?
This weekend has been the CRAZIEST weekend. I had 2 parties to go to and SO MANY TESTS to study for.. yet, I still have time to blog .. >.<
I've been really tired of drama.. and hw... and more hw.... yet I can't believe I'm still standing on my two feet. My feet are a little shakey, but I'M STILL STANDING. My friend tells me that they think I'm so strong especially from what I'm going through, but I think I'm as weak as a new born baby. I haven't experienced anything, I haven't been in THAT much pain compared to others, and I CRY LIKE A NEW BORN BABY TOO!!! But I felt happy that someone told me that they thought I was strong. I don't feel strong, but am I putting on a facade of strength? I really don't know. The "monster" seems to be taking over and the monster is FIERCE I TELL YOU FIERCE!!
I'm so confused and lonely but I'm still glad I have great friends. But now I think I know who my true friends are. I thought someone was my friend but it seems like "it" made me feel worse about myself, made me cry, not care about me WHAT SO EVER, and I don't understand who "it" is.
This weekend was fun though. I have to say I learned a lot, yet I was in a lot of pain. physically and mentally. I just wish I REALLY could cry in front of someone b/c I don't think anyone has TRULY seen me cry. All I need is A BIG HUG and a nice talk.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Districts and all the people who have the hero inside them =]

CONGRATULATIONS FOR THE NATIONAL QUALIFIERS IN FORENSICS!!!
I really am happy for you guys!
The song they played during the awards kind of hit me.
Is there really a hero in me? Is there really a hero that is going to come and save me?
I've been pondering about that today after the tournament. Well, my friends are my heroes so they always save me, but I need to save myself sometimes. I don't think I have the strength inside to face the world alone. I need to step up though. Again, am I just that late bloomer and that I just haven't found the hero in myself yet or what? That also leads to confidence. I have a very low esteem and I know I need to bring it to a high level but not too high. How does it feel like to be successful, to be proud of yourself, to be happy, to feel that you are worth something, to feel important, to feel that you are good at something? I really don't know how that feels. Can someone tell me b/c I would like to know.
Next year hope I will get to experience all those things. Because hoping is all I can do right now. I can't wait for the world to change, I just have to change it myself. So for everyone out there who are going to NATIONALS you guys are all my hero =] proud of you. Wish I could have the strength, the motivation, the talent, and everything else. Not just the people who are going to nationals but all my friends are all my heroes because they stick with me even though i am like this. I wish you HEROES with all my heart to have a GREAT weekend!!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

The Late Bloomer... or not...

Today was States.... hmmm.. should have gone to computer science... maybe that way I would have like I gotten somewhere.
I've been really pessimistic lately.. more like always... or is it just me that no one ever gives me a second glance. They just glance and walk away like I'm not there. I say hi but they talk to the girl behind me who was, of course, prettier, nicer, had that SELF-CONFIDENCE which the guy liked. I don't know why I don't have this so called SELF-CONFIDENCE. I really wish I could. But ever since I was young, I was always judged on how I look and first impressions are pretty important. Yes, I am a little on the chubby side... and a lot of guys go straight to the pretty girls to talk to first then gradually go on to us... the not so pretty girls. Often happens at tournaments.
I've lost all the self-confidence because I always seem to not succeed in what I try. Yes I know PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.. and my mom always says don't judge yourself just because someone didn't try and did something PERFECTLY that you could do that too. But why are they so lucky? Where do they get this talent?
Am I just a late bloomer? Have I not realized this MAGICAL TALENT THAT I HAVE YET? Well FREAKING HURRY UP AND BLOOM!!! Because maybe THAT might boost my self-confidence. Or I can tell my parents to STFU about my weight... but again.. I'm passive and scared of everything. Everyone around me seem to have a talent of something like being smart, being a great speaker, being a nice person, and EVERYTHING ELSE. Why am I not the lucky one? I was probably just a mix-up... maybe I was supposed to be born as a PIG. There goes again with my pessimism.
Oh and I also have another problem... being selfless. The not being confident part makes me feel that maybe I can gain confidence if I help people... well in some situations yes but I get to the point where I would give my life to the dead so they can enjoy their life they were supposed to have and maybe that 9 year old kid could have been happier. Yes that kid is happy now but maybe with his father around he could have been happier. We never know.
I've noticed guys tend to go for my friends. I mean it is great for my friends and all but I just end up lonely because your friend has guys, your other friend has guys, your other other friends has guys, and YOU have nothing but your computer and a book. Books are good, but they don't tend to flirt back... neither does MY computer. You might have guys online that are flirting with you but again those are my friends. I have Facebook and watch everyone flirt with each other or I can watch Bleach or something else instead.
Also friends I have a problem with those. My friends have better friends or more important friends that are more FUN AND HAPPY to talk to unlike me. I have a problem with trusting people. I never do even if they were my close friend. Some of my secrets aren't shared with my best friend because she wouldn't understand. People could relate to this but not to the point where I am... if you are one of them PLEASE talk to me(only if you like sad talk). I don't understand myself at all.. what so ever... why is that? I am a late bloomer aren't I? Not knowing who I am .. WOW... that is stupid..
My brain isn't so great, neither is my body, and neither is my face. But when your friend's brain, body, and face are great guys go for her. I have to say I get JEALOUS... SOOO JEALOUS. I'm always jealous and it kills me. It hurts me and it hurts my friend. This TRUE EVIL thing of jealousy is nuts. You wish you could have those boobs, butt, that hair, face, body, brians, and mostly PERSONALITY. But being fake isn't a good thing either.
I hope soon I can find who I want to be and who I am. And I hope that blossom into a cactus... haha j/k at least a decent FLOWER something that POPS or eye-catching or absolutely beautiful just as itself. So if you are just like me and seem to be a late bloomer let's face the sun and soak in the rain and be that BEAUTIFUL flower.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Wishes, Dreams, and Goals

I have many wishes, dreams, and goals. They may sound the same to you but they are different to me. My wishes are out there and very "Anime" like or "Asian drama" like, my dreams are possible but they are way in the future like becoming a doctor, and my goals are now and the future but per week or month. What are your wishes, dreams, and goals? Are they the same to you?
Why do we wish, dream, and make goals? Does that make us a better person?
Wishes, dreams, and goals are able for me to change my future. I can't change my past but I can sure change my future. That way I won't regret anything because I choose what I want to do. Some things might happen because you can never predict anything. 日本語に書くことにしました。
人生は、とても大切です。私の願いは、良い男と恋したい。でも、夢は医者になる事です。